Have you seen the stand alone Panda Express restaurants?  They’re supposed to be in malls right?  And they should serve Panda? The only time I’ll eat at Panda Express is when its in a mall.  And if its 12 years ago. And I’m shopping at Union Station.  And if I forget there is no need to buy food that tastes bad. I bring this up is because walking into China King is like walking into a mini-food court.  There’s a counter towards the back with a poorly lite sign hanging above detailing common Chinese dishes with blurry over-exposed photos.  One of the pics reminded me of a vomit puddle I dribbled out of my mouth in college.  Oddly enough it was a bucket full of mini-muffins I had drunkenly devoured 30 minutes beforehand.  Mini-muffin vomit looks like China King dish #9?  Hey Mom, thanks for the care package.  Hey Danny, thanks for buying an 18 year old a giant bottle of Schnucks executive vodka.

Sorry, little sidetracked there.  Back at the China King -a short line of overweight suburban inner-ringers waited impatiently to order while a young Asian dude tentatively tapped at the register.  He clearly didn’t get the proper register training.  I’d say it was taking about 10 minutes per order.  In a restaurant that uses numbers to order food this is insane.  I heard the person in front, “I’ll take #32 and a #50”.  Dude stares at the register, looks back to the kitchen, looks at the SIGN above the counter and eventually starts pecking away one finger at a time.  Fucking Christ.

China King, being fairly new in the area (opened in April 2010 I believe.  No, I don’t research)  can be somewhat forgiven for the slowness.  But then I got the food.  I ordered General Tso’s chicken because I trust a general’s taste buds more than regular folks.  The chicken was cut up into crazy small pieces and then cooked in Satan’s asshole making it cinder-burnt and rubbery.  The rice was under-cooked.  Really?  After they took a blow torch to the General’s quality?  I made it through about 4 mouth fulls before calling it quits even though I was starving.  30 minutes to order, 10 minutes to get my food and it doesn’t even measure up to Dairy Queen.  I looked around to see if anyone else was having the same experience.  Most faces were a bit gloomy but the food was going down.  I even saw some smiles.  I concluded that these people must hate themselves.  All of sudden I felt in good company.

At least I had the ambiance.  Check out the huge golden fan.  Chinesey eh?  Admire the wood paneling.  Take it away and you could be in your grandpa’s basement.    If your grandpa’s basement was a food court.  If your not following me then I’ve expressed it clearly.  The place is weird to hang out in.  Not at all fit for a King.  I’m pretty sure the name is bullshit.

The best part about this “eatery” is the empty store fronts littering manchester that would’ve housed it.  But no, we needed a new strip mall.  So we build another one and some houses get taken out.  Then we thrust this turd boiler inside.  Kudos Des Peres.  I imagine city officials begging for China King to move in for the tax revenue.  Maybe in 5 years you can use the empty storefronts as an excuse to build a new strip mall across the street and put in a China Duke or something.

Paul Alamo rating: 2 corn on the cobs out of 10

China King

11660 Manchester Rd
Des Peres, MO 63131