Dear Super Fun Patrol,

You would think that providing food, channel 4 and a dry basement would be enough for your wife wouldn’t you? Granted, “Cathy” and I are aren’t officially married yet. When I picked her up from port 6 weeks ago I assumed we would have been engaged by now. Unfortunately our courtship has been difficult and for no good reason.

It started the first day I locked her in the basement. All she did was bang on the door and scream in some language I don’t understand. I mean, English please! Then she started pushing the food back under the slot in the door. She wasn’t eating! I don’t know what country she’s from but here in America, Salisbury steak is a delicacy no one can resist.

I decided for New Year’s that she should have a few resolutions to work on so we can live happily ever after. Here’s the list I passed to her:

1. Stop attacking me when I hose out her quarters
2. Start referring to herself as “Cathy”
3. Stop pushing her poop through the slot
4. Stop escaping

She’s done real well with #1 and not so good with #3. As for #4, well, lets just say as I’m writing this I’m in my car behind the local White Castle. The last 3 times she escaped I caught her going through the dumpster here. Maybe that burnt onion smell reminds her of her homeland –who knows? I should probably buy thicker metal plates for the basement windows. She is strong!

What else can I do? I mean, I’m not super human. What does it take to force someone to love you, eat their dinner and not escape?

Just trying to live happily ever after,
Gape Poppi