Dear Super Fun Patrol

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Earlier this month I came home after a horrible blind date to find a police car outside my house! Knowing that law enforcement officials are often judgmental I decided to flee. The thought of trying to explain the simulated jail cell in the basement and/or the collection of woman’s purses just tired me. Oh, and it’s more than likely an officer will be injured by the various traps and alarms scattered throughout the house. I doubt they’ll be in a good mood if one of them loses an arm, a head or falls into a vat of urine soaked oatmeal. It’s very difficult to construct a 2000 gallon tank in your house by the way. Fortunately I got great advice from an associate at Home Depot. I didn’t know that urine-soaked oatmeal can rot away steel and should be stored within a thick plastic liner.

So now I write to you from a safe house a few towns over. It’s not time to ride out of state yet as the road blocks are still plentiful. Hopefully the law’s vigilance will tire and I’ll be able to leave. I was able to call my Mom and convince her that I was going on vacation and that I’d be back. I’m not sure what to do about her and her TV reception problems. She just refuses to pay for cable. My date from the other night is starting to get on my nerves and keeps asking when she can go home. You know, how many times do I have to explain that we are going to start a new life together? It just doesn’t sink in.

Do you have any recommendations for where I should go? I’m a fan of quiet streets and high concentrations of hardware stores. I’m good with my hands! Wish me luck.

Your mobile pen pal,
Gabe Poppi