It’s Mardi Gras time again! I think it has something to do with Christianity or whatever. That’s not important. We all know what it’s really about:
Plying women with alcohol so they will show you their boobs in hopes of receiving some beads.
It used to be a magical once-a-year occasion, too! You’d save up five whole dollars to buy a package of beads and spend the day taking mental pictures you’d review later on your self-date at home.
But we’ve diluted this once great tradition by letting the beads for boobs transaction to leak into other holidays. How did this happen? I was unaware that there was a powerful bead lobby making deals so goddamn fantastic that retailers would be stupid fat idiots to not shill beads for every damn holiday you can think of: Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, 4th of July, and I’m pretty sure I saw Armistice Day beads. It’s madness.
Not only that, it seems that the quantity and or quality of the boobie flash has gone down, because hey, if you’re not feeling like showing them on Mardi Gras, there’s always 250 other holidays coming up when you might.
There’s two ways this can go.
1. Knock it off with the freaking beads for every other holiday, already. Mardi Gras is special. That’s all it has beside public drunkenness, a dog parade and lewd public acts.
2. Just show your boobs at all times. I hope we can get on board with this. The bead companies don’t seem to realize they’ll go out of business if showing your hooters becomes commonplace.
You might think this will be bad for the economy, and you’d be right – the the economy of CHINA.
It’s time for America to kick ass and for boobs to lead the way. You can start by sending pictures to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you and God Bless America.