Wow. What a big, giant ball of suck the Twilight series is. Talk about taking everything that’s awesome about vampire stories and completely, utterly sucking that out (no puns meant here, so can it) and replacing it with teenage romance pap and dribble. This, my friends, is what happens when a Mormon woman enacts her private fantasies in print. Where would you even start in order to make such a shitpile better?

First things first: NO MORE PRETTY BOY VAMPIRES. None. This bullshit is not actually Stephanie Meyer’s fault. It’s Anne Rice’s, the woman who started out writing erotica under a pseudonym and graduated to bisexual, effeminate vampires like her creations Louis and Lestat. To her credit, Lestat did have a literal rock star thing going for him, but all her other characters were weepy, melodramatic and awfully butthurt for having near-unlimited powers (Rice also made overpowered vampires the norm too, like bloodsucking genies or something), enough libido for an 11-way, and immortality. Overpowered, bisexual, Euro-glamour model vampires are the first things that gotta go if we’re gonna salvage the hunk of shit that is Twilight. In comes what vampires are supposed to be, the way they were portrayed in the old Slavic legends and in Bram Stoker’s classic: smelly, old, gray, and EVIL.

Edward is no longer an effete, sparkling eternal teenager. No vampire would ever wish to spend immortatlity going to high school – especially not in a place like the Pacific Northwest. He is now the night stalking, corpselike, hellish demon he is supposed to be. Whatever appearance Bella sees is what he makes her see. Vampires enchant their victims. They charm them so they will submit freely instead of with a fight. He doesn’t meet her at school. Edward spots Bella shopping for crappy indie music at the local record store. Edward realizes he can charm this muttonhead with a few lame vocals and a guitar, so he gets one and meeps out some slurring, Jack Johnson sounding shit while making Bella believe she’s listening to some angsty, naify-looking, sensitive college boy. You know, the kinds of guys only women in movies like.

One thing that doesn’t change though, is how Edward constantly treats Bella like shit. Teenage girls are dumb and overly self-conscious. They are caught in the trap of wanting to be unique but not wanting to stand out in front of the wrong people. Bella, being about 17 in this story, is in that same place. Plus she’s the new kid. She’s just waiting, aching for some older-looking boy to come along and treat her like crap, while in her mind she thinks she can change him. If you ask the many female critics of Twilight, that’s exactly what they say Bella is – a void of personality who lives only to please her man. Why change that? It just makes the inevitable conclusion sweeter.

In the book Edward has a, “family,” of other vampires who all pretend to be siblings and parents. Bullshit. Vampires have immortality and an unquenchable hunger for carnage. They don’t give a fuck about playing house unless they’re doing it long enough to kill somebody. So Edward’s family is really his coven of other pale, walking cadavers that use their powers to seduce and kill Washington state’s high school dupes. In fact what you now have is this little Northwestern town with a problem not unlike what face Santa Carla in Lost Boys – if all the corpses were to stand up at once, you’d have one hell of a population problem. On top of this there are apparently werewolves in the Twilight series. I won’t go too far in revising them, but if you’ve seen the Wolfman, American Werewolf in London, or even the damned Thriller video, you know what werewolves do. So that compounds this little burg’s problems: werewolves and vampires are running roughshod here. Someone has to stop it. It sure as hell isn’t that idiot Bella. She’s just one more statistic, one more face on a milk carton after Edward drains her white in Chapter 2.

Obviously we can’t let such a dire situation stand. Anyone knows that when you have werewolves and vampires running around doing whatever the hell they want, there’s only one family properly equipped to come in and deal with it. The fucking Belmonts. That’s right – the descendants of Simon and Trevor answer the call and come in, whips cracking and silver bullets flying. It turns out Edward and his vamp crew were making ready the resurrection of Castlevania in present day Seattle. That means once again Count Dracula must be taken down, and only the most famous family of vampire hunters can step in and do something about it.

Cut to the last chapter in the famous Clock Tower. Edward is there, ready to assume control of Castlevania, when from the shadows comes the Count, flowing robes and fireballs at the ready. He doesn’t take kindly to this little imp who doesn’t know his place. That means we get a full-on VAMPIRE FIGHT. This also means we get to see the Count show the upstart how it’s done, but not for too long before the Belmonts show up, and then it’s on. Edward gets vanquished and the Count assumes his demonic form for the showdown. After a gruesome fight the Belmonts prevail, sending Dracula back into darkness once again and saving all the coffee-drinking hippies from certain death.

There. Was that so fucking hard, Stephanie Meyer? That’s how vampire stories are supposed to go. I just made your novels palatable to people over the ages of 15. You’re welcome.