I eat a couple of cans of Campbell’s soup every week. For breakfast every morning, I eat Multi-Grain Chex. What these products have in common is Boxtops for Education. Boxtops for Education is a program by which you can help your local school get some wonderful corporate money.

How does it work? “Just look for the Box Tops logo on hundreds of products in almost every aisle of the store. All you need to do is clip and send them to your school’s Box Tops coordinator – each one is worth 10¢ for your school.”

What a terrible idea in this modern era.

Back in the 80s when they started this program, it was a good idea. We didn’t have much to do back then except wear ridiculous clothes and wait for the next Indiana Jones or Star Wars movie to come out whereupon we had to get off of our asses and watch them. We did a lot of getting off of our asses in the 80s because you had to. Want to play a game with your friends? Get off your ass. Want to find out about a far-flung locale? Get off your ass. Need to help your school? GET OFF YOUR SLIGHTLY-LESS-FAT ASS!

You had to burn calories to get things done. But today we have the Internet, making the movement of personal molecules obsolete. And that brings us to Boxtops for Education.

I have nothing against schools. Far from it. I do think it’s sad that due to lack of government funding our public schools are looking to Campbell’s to pay for paste or books, but in general I think schools are things kids should stay in.

But Boxtops for Education needs to die. First of all the big, happy logo stares out at you from your cereal box daring you NOT to clip and save, you son-of-a-bitch. Don’t want to help children? What a fuck you are. Can’t tear this off and find a kid to give it to? What, do you have no hands?

Second, if you really want to help schools, why not just charge a few extra cents? I’ve reached a point in my life where a premium of a few pennies isn’t going to make me switch to store brand. Campbell’s, I love your Chunky-Brand soups even though your endorsement contracts curse football players. I will continue to buy and instead of feeling like a dick for not clipping the Boxtop, I’ll feel good knowing I’m helping schools without burning calories.

That’s why I still shop at Target. They may hate the gays, but they help the community automatically. A zero-sum. Plus the 50% off rack is there and what are you gonna do?

So I guess the point is that if your kids’ school can’t afford history books this year, it’s my fault because I’ll be damned if I’m collecting any more garbage in my house.