Antarctic Birds. Buy this book, I guess.

Antarctic Birds. Buy this book, I guess.

Some websites and Internet ‘bloggers’ get really lazy around this time of year and resort to some warmed-over articles about the true meaning of Christmas, or fruitcakes, or just what the hell is Kwanzaa and did they make it up just to have more candles than a menorah?

Or how about a top 10 list of things? A year in review or hopes for 2010?

Haha! No cheap jokes here! The only thing I really want to know is why the turd I just pooped looked like a praying mantis.

Notice the lack of a shopping guide, list of bad gifts, Christmas lists or baking recipes.

That’s right, sucks – I’m taking it to you and your ‘websites’. Panicking about ad revenue so much that you’ll post any old crap for pageviews? How about Christmas wishes for your readers (also please click on my ad so I can buy more yarn for knitting)?

Wondering about what you want for Christmas? How about a bag just big enough for your head and a hammer (thanks, big bro)?

Yeah, the holidays sure are crazy and maybe you put up a post about not being able to afford gifts and just wishing to spread cheer! Why don’t you wish people cheer every day? Why only on Jesus’ birthday? Why don’t we celebrate Bill Gates’ birthday? He achieved a lot and has a lot more money than Jesus ever did. But we don’t go around on October 28th wishing each other ‘Happy Billmas’.

So why am I posting this? Well, because Paul hasn’t uploaded one of our new shows yet. Also because we’re going to have a redesign and it’s a heads up.

And we’ll continue to provide you with a weekly(ish) show for FREE and occasionally we’ll even write something – also for free.

My advice for a fruitful 2010 (Hell, I just became a hypocrite. Won’t be the last time, either):

  1. Masturbate as often as possible – it releases endorphins
  2. Drinking crap alcohol is fine – just not in mixed drinks. Cheap drink mixes are for nongnongs. If you’re poor, drink the bad stuff straight up.
  3. If you’re going to punch someone, go for the side of the jaw – by the ear – or the neck. Those are two high-value targets and you’ll most likely avoid a broken hand.
  4. There is no point in getting road rage. Take out your frustrations on your genitals in the aforementioned masturbation.
  5. Save dessert for the weekend – you’ll enjoy it more when it happens.
  6. If someone goes for the hip-toss, go dead-weight.
  7. Assholes use the phrase, “I’m just sayin'”. Unfortunately, it works. It’s called “Distancing yourself from the controversial material.” I’m just sayin’.
  8. All the confidence in the world does not make you look good naked.
  9. No one cares about how smart you say you are. Conversely, saying ‘people are so stupid’ is assanine. Really? You’re so much smarter than everyone? Nice to meet you, Mr. Hawking!
  10. Don’t hit the snooze button. You’re a wage slave now or 9 minutes from now.

2009 was my best ever year because I gave myself an attitude adjustment. Your turn, Internet. Good times are for closers.

Happy Billmas! I got you drapes.