billbelichick_a.jpgBill Belichick has nothing but contempt for you and no time for you.

In my estimation, Bill Belichick will also supplant EVERY horror movie villain because he is PURE EVIL.

Here are only SOME of the things this execrable hellspawn has done this season alone!

  • Shot a Vegas strip club manager in the back and blamed Pacman Jones
  • Convinced Dallas to sign Tank Johnson
  • Kicked Joe Gibb in the nuts and banged his wife
  • Tore Orlando Pace’s rotator cuff
  • Told the Colorado Rockies to relax and “The Red Sox are no big deal”
  • Used Peyton Manning’s cat to wipe his ass
  • Started California wildfires and called Gov. Schwartzeneggar a “pussy”
  • Threw NFL cheat-gate tapes into a volcano and laughed nefariously
  • Set up the game in London
  • Gave Brian Urlacher arthritis
  • Moved Robert Goulet way down the lung-donor list
  • Punched his clown to your wedding tape
  • Hid Steve Fossett in David Copperfield’s warehouse
  • Gave Blackwater employees immunity in Iraq
  • Ok’d the 4th Saw film
  • Advised Joe Torre and A-Rod to quit the Yankees
  • Tore solar panel on international space station
  • Put his balls in your hoagie

There are a few things you don’t do:

Don’t tug Superman’s cape

Don’t piss into the wind

Don’t get a gremlin wet


You do not under any circumstances fuck with Bill Belichick. If you happen to see him, run. Don’t look back, don’t slow down, don’t cry for help. Just run. Get into your car, drive to a church and hide under the altar. Beg god for forgiveness for being an athiest, then put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

Because Bill will not stop untill you are dead as disco.

So on this Halloween if you see a homeless-looking man in a cut-off hoodie you might as well shoot yourself in the jugular before Belichick can drag you down into the Mephistophelian depths of hell.

Enjoy your candy.