After-Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day, the day where we recycle a few bottles to make up for the megatons of trash we don't the rest of the year.

What you don't know is that the environmental impact of Earth Day is monumental. From the festivals wherein environmental groups use way too many natural resources for petitions and brochures to convince you to wipe with a rag to the trampling of thousands of acres of grasslands by be-Birkenstocked feet.

Why, right here in St. Louis, the crazy people were out in force, drinking free-range water and decrying companies who don't run on wind-power.

So without further ado, here are some facts about Earth Day's impact you might not know.

• Tons of methane released from eating organic salads: 500,000 cubic boltons
• Acres of forests denuded to construct props for their nutzo booths: 2 million
• Barrels of petroleum used in production of patchuli-scented candles: 30,000
• Monkeys slapped by other monkeys: 2
• Gallons of water used to wash hippie-stink off your hands: 850
• Dollars wasted on "hemp" products: $5 billion
• Time wasted by High-Times magazine convincing you that marijuana is environmental: 2 hours
• Whales angered: 7
• Tons of iron mined to supplement the diets of vegans: 50 gojillion
• Gasoline wasted by people driving to Earth Day events: incalculable

 And just so you know, I'm not putting my groceries in a cloth sack, but I do recycle my underwear.

Just doing my part.