We Got Rain, Yes We Do, Rest of the Drought-Sticken Country, How 'Bout You?

Welcome to St. Louis, where if it's not raining, it's probably raining!

Every morning I wake up before work and turn on Channel 4 News and watch St. Louis' chubbiest weatherman, Matt Chambers, tell me that it is going to rain. Frankly it's like a ritual these days. I know what he's going to say, but if I don't hear it, I have to flip a light switch 451 times and check the stove 72 times to make sure the burner is turned off.

I also watch because Virginia Kerr is hot. Attention other St. Louis stations, get hotter anchors! Virginia Kerr is approximately 5000 times hotter than Deanne Lane and if Randy Naughton were to stand next to Kerr, people passing by would give her money because they would feel so bad for her.

Yes, this is a picture of Virginia Kerr. I got it from Channel 4's website. It looks like someone is partying tonight!

Hot.

I'm just throwing this out there, but if any Chnnel 4 executives are reading this, you have a high-five from me reserved for you.

Come and get it.

But I digress. This is about all the damn rain we've been having in St. Louis. We've had so much rain lately, I've just completed construction on the Midwest's version of the Kon-Tiki and Paul, Sag and I will be sailing the ship to Polynesia to kick Thor Heyerdahl ass.

Half of our viewing area is floded and there's no sign of letting up any time soon.

The crazy thing is that we were not, unlike most of the US, in a drought. We had plenty of rain to begin with, but now we're getting everyone else's rain. It's like when the mailman delivers the neighbor's ValPack coupons to you and you go ahead and use them because you don't like your neighbor and it's your passive aggressive way of sticking it to them.

So while Florida, Texas, California and every other place in the country is praying to an uncaring god for water, we have it in spades. We have so much that they're thinking of filming the remake of Waterworld right here in River City. Dryland? A MYTH!

So I've decided to make a list of things you can do for entertainment when it's always raining:

• Drink Your Own Pee
• Drink Someone Else's Pee
• Stand in Yard Naked and Shake Fist at Clouds
• Pour Entire Bottle of Palmolive In Sewer Grate
• Go Fishing In Driveway
• Merman Parade
• Drink, Die, Drink
• Stomp on Frogs
• Worm Collage
• Underwater Olympics
• Hijack FEMA Boat, Install Slot Machine, Rake it In

Me? I'm going to make a packet selling doggie-sized water wings to gullible rich people in Ladue and Dardene Prarie.

Rain monkey is angry. Do not make him angry!

I've managed to go an entire article without typing fuck. As in "I would like to fuck". To be honest, I only typed that last line so when people Google a certain person, they will be directed to this post. Because I am an a-hole - as in "in the asshole".

That was twice in one article that I am tricking innocent Google searchers. But fuck 'em, they clicked on the link! 

It's written all over her face. I'll stop now. Semen.