Man Laments Recent Al Qaeda in Iraq Tour

"It's just not the same group, man," said Gul Muhammad Zurmat, clutching his rolled-up Al Qaeda pamphlet. "I mean back in the 90s, you'd expect Osama and his boys to put on a real show. You know, bomb a government building or two, ram a boat - the kind of stuff that really makes you want to kill yourself in the name of Allah, you know? But dude, this Al Qaeda in Iraq? No way, man. It's like when I saw LA Guns in Wana. There were, like, two original members and they kept trying to place stuff from the new album, and all we wanted to hear was, 'Sex Action,' know what I mean, bro?

Zurmat, once a mujahadin who helped fight the Soviets in the 1980s and later a roadie for GG Allin, traveled to the Anbar province in Iraq hoping to partake in Al Qaeda's battle with the US soldiers and Marines deployed there. Upon his arrival he found many Sunni sheikhs had negotiated with the US forces to turn on Al Qaeda operatives, and help maintain some peace in Iraqi neighborhoods.

"Total fuckin' sell-outs, man," said Zurmat. "I mean, God willing the warriors of Allah will strip the meat from their bones and send the infidel to eternal fire, but dude, back when bin Ladin was talking for this group full time, that shit would not have happened. That man needs to get his ass out of semi-retirement and make this group relevant again. Fuck it, man, at least I still own all their old videos."