Kickin' It with Christ!
Yo, yo, wassup, bro-seph?! My name is Brother Nyce Anderson, and I am the pastor for a rad new concept in bringing faith to our youth - Kickin' It Ministries! You see this day and age, our youth need to be spoken to on their level, which is a level that's - well, totally AWE-SOME!
Young adults these days aren't down with the clowns - the clowns being their parents (Am I right, guys?) - who want to bore us to death with quoting from the Bible and just staring at you like you're some kinda sponge. No wonder the old folks don't get why some of us wander into the hellish, godless secular world! How can you make the message of our Lord and Savior, the most awesome rockin' dude of all time, Jesus Christ, when you treat your young followers like a bunch of r-tards and lam-os? What's the dilly, yo? Know what I'm sayin?
So at Kickin' It Ministries, we take Christ (Praise His name) to the streets. We bring it to the stage, and we bust out the rock while preachin' the word, bros and sistas. You can come to our service, which is on Saturdays right at 7 pm. - no gettin' up early for these rockin' Christians - where the band and me...
Oh you know we got a band, right? And a DJ too? That's right, guys. My band, Altar Cross, bangs out the tunes and our DJ, MC Preech, busts the rhymes and makes some mad beats. In between we talk about the mega awesome impact Christ has on our daily lives, and we praise Him for being so cool and relevant. 2000 year old Book? I don't think so, not when you get the Word out with guitar solos and shout-along choruses!
Just think about that! You, me, the band and our DJ gettin' together, chillin' in His crib, and sippin' some juice. Fruit juice that is! We got a bangin' juice bar that will be servin' up the cold, frosty smoothies all night while we jam on God!
What a great deal, huh? You get to be around a clean, positive atmosphere, hear some bad-ACE rock and hip hop, and you'll feel safe to discuss some important questions about your faith. Like for example, say you're a young, attractive 17 year old woman (that's right, ladies, here you are women, not little girls anymore), and you're not sure if savin' it is the right thing to do. I mean, there's all this heavy peer pressure to give it up to some guy just to fit in, right? The Devil is just tempting you, right there, just saying, "Go on, Sadie, open up those nubile, creamy, virginal thighs and allow my glistening, rigid phallus into your holy entrance. I want to crack your hymen like a government safe."
It's a tough challenge, ladies, and your buddy Brother Anderson is gonna be right here for you. I'm gonna sing you a song, talk to you about the super-bad Holy Spirit, and then we can sit down in private and talk about those urges and pressure. It's a totally safe, clean and spiritual environment. Just sip on the cocoa I've prepared for you, and let my guitar lull you into a peaceful state. You'll open right up to me, and then the whole band! Heck maybe even MC Preech will come back and show you his own, personal prayer rituals! Wouldn't that just totally rock?
Alright guys, I gotta get goin', 'cause band practice starts in 10 minutes. But just remember what I've told you. Kickin' It Ministries is a church for you, not those boring, old parents and their lectures! Christ was a rebel, unique, troubled and dealt with the same exact stuff as you. Let Him show the way, and let us show the way with ROCK!! Word to your mother, my homies! PTL!!
Young adults these days aren't down with the clowns - the clowns being their parents (Am I right, guys?) - who want to bore us to death with quoting from the Bible and just staring at you like you're some kinda sponge. No wonder the old folks don't get why some of us wander into the hellish, godless secular world! How can you make the message of our Lord and Savior, the most awesome rockin' dude of all time, Jesus Christ, when you treat your young followers like a bunch of r-tards and lam-os? What's the dilly, yo? Know what I'm sayin?
So at Kickin' It Ministries, we take Christ (Praise His name) to the streets. We bring it to the stage, and we bust out the rock while preachin' the word, bros and sistas. You can come to our service, which is on Saturdays right at 7 pm. - no gettin' up early for these rockin' Christians - where the band and me...
Oh you know we got a band, right? And a DJ too? That's right, guys. My band, Altar Cross, bangs out the tunes and our DJ, MC Preech, busts the rhymes and makes some mad beats. In between we talk about the mega awesome impact Christ has on our daily lives, and we praise Him for being so cool and relevant. 2000 year old Book? I don't think so, not when you get the Word out with guitar solos and shout-along choruses!
Just think about that! You, me, the band and our DJ gettin' together, chillin' in His crib, and sippin' some juice. Fruit juice that is! We got a bangin' juice bar that will be servin' up the cold, frosty smoothies all night while we jam on God!
What a great deal, huh? You get to be around a clean, positive atmosphere, hear some bad-ACE rock and hip hop, and you'll feel safe to discuss some important questions about your faith. Like for example, say you're a young, attractive 17 year old woman (that's right, ladies, here you are women, not little girls anymore), and you're not sure if savin' it is the right thing to do. I mean, there's all this heavy peer pressure to give it up to some guy just to fit in, right? The Devil is just tempting you, right there, just saying, "Go on, Sadie, open up those nubile, creamy, virginal thighs and allow my glistening, rigid phallus into your holy entrance. I want to crack your hymen like a government safe."
It's a tough challenge, ladies, and your buddy Brother Anderson is gonna be right here for you. I'm gonna sing you a song, talk to you about the super-bad Holy Spirit, and then we can sit down in private and talk about those urges and pressure. It's a totally safe, clean and spiritual environment. Just sip on the cocoa I've prepared for you, and let my guitar lull you into a peaceful state. You'll open right up to me, and then the whole band! Heck maybe even MC Preech will come back and show you his own, personal prayer rituals! Wouldn't that just totally rock?
Alright guys, I gotta get goin', 'cause band practice starts in 10 minutes. But just remember what I've told you. Kickin' It Ministries is a church for you, not those boring, old parents and their lectures! Christ was a rebel, unique, troubled and dealt with the same exact stuff as you. Let Him show the way, and let us show the way with ROCK!! Word to your mother, my homies! PTL!!
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