Jury Doodie

It finally happened again. I was picked to perform my civic duty and serve as a member of a jury. Again. You see, in St. Louis, if you are a registered voter, or have a driver's license or have a pair of shoes or a face or none of the above you will be called to jury duty about every three years.

So I'm going to tell you a little about jury duty and our fine judicial system and also about how to avoid all of the above.

Before all of the magic happens you will recieve a jury summons. This is a first level spell, but since you are a one-hit-dice creature in the eyes of the court, it works every time.

Your life is over.

The summons has your name, your juror number and a questionaire. The questionaire is designed to find as many ex-convicts as possible to be in the courtroom with you as a potential juror.

The next step is calling the court to try to claim "hardship" in order not to have to serve on a jury. These requests are left on an answering machine and are erased by a highly trained secretary every morning. Ok that was a joke, the actual term is "administrative assistant".

So now that you are a privledged potential juror, you must inform your place of business that you will need several days off. Your boss has no legal recourse in this matter but to allow you the time off. But it's ok, the court pays you a salary of $12 a day so groceries are COVERED!

What do you mean "civic duty"? I've got a tire store to run!

And now the day has arrived when you must serve. The court will provide you with a bus ticket or you may park in a far off area and they will endorse parking. Don't choose this option if you have asthma or a funky leg because it's a far walk and you don't want to be late for what comes next!

Wait at least half an hour before swimming!

The WAITING ROOM. It's named the waiting room because you wait an awful lot in there. See, you're supposed to show up by 8am, but that doesn't stop very important people from arriving much later than 8am. These people are a-holes; they have "a hole" where their common courtesy should be. Because of these people, they don't play the JURY TRAINING VIDEO until 9:30am.

The jury training video contains helpful information - at least I am told that it does because I failed to watch the video. Apparently it tells you about our fine judicial system and how the country works and conduct in court and blah blah blah - just put on Tyra, girlfriend!

Who was cast off of ANTM this week, Tyra?

So the next 6 hours are you waiting for you number to be called. It will NOT get called. Odds are you made somebody somewhere angry and they will make you wait all day only to return the next day for a repeat. On the morning of the second day, you FINALLY get called.

The first thing you do is size up the other 40-odd people in your potential jurors group. Looks like a bunch of ex-cons, a guy with metal in his face, a guy who looks like Sonny Bono on heroin maybe a couple of above-average-looking girls and your sorry ass. At this point you realize that you are doomed.

They take you up to the courtroom. "They" being the bailliffs.

We used to be cops!

This will be your first glimpse of an actual courtroom. You will notice that justice can not be meted out without very fancy crown moulding.

This picture sponsored by Murphy's Oil Soap

You will be exposed now to the accused and the lawyers. The accused is usually wearing nice clothes and is clean shaven.

They are also probably guilty.

The judge will now be brought in. All judges are named "Mike" so feel free to call your judge Mike because that's his or her name. It will make you feel like an old friend! You can also call judges "God" because only God can judge men so they must be God.

Other handy names for judges
• Your Highness
• Batman
• Hey, man-dress!
• Bubbles
• Jerkaroo Jack
• When's Lunch

We'll have better luck against that star destroyer than this felony possesion!

Judges wear black dresses but they are not gay. Maybe. They could be gay, but that means God is gay and the fundies are going to have a tough time with that one, so let's just say that maybe judges are "curious", but they are definitely NOT GAY.

This is when jury selection begins. The first person to cross examine the potential jurors is the "prosecutor" or "cutie". Prosecutors are usually the most well groomed and dressed people in the court because they are just biding their time until they start their political career so they can finally make daddy proud.

I have fantastic hair!

They will ask the assembled questions intended to weed out bleeding hearts and anyone else who would dare find the accused innocent. They will also help you discover just what the 11 ex-cons who will be serving with you on the jury have been convicted of. It's probably drugs, but there will be grand theft and assault in there too.

I got a great deal on this suit!

Next up is that defender of truth, justice and the American way - the public defender! These people are underpaid and are probably wearing a secondhand suit. They believe in the basic tenet that all people are good.

They are also highly delusional.

They're going to tell you some crap about innocent until proven guilty and burden of proof is upon the state, but all you can think about is that delicious Subway wrap waiting for you at lunchtime!

The odds of you being picked to serve on a jury are 100%. Statisticians might say that its 12/40 but they know nothing about how real statistics work - they also have no feet at all.

You are going to serve on a jury with 11 criminals.

I reccomend a knife made of tempered glass.

The trial is something you're not going to pay attention to because you already have made up your mind on whether the person is guilty or innocent so I would take the time to catch up on your daydreaming. Psychologists say it's healthy!

Deliberation is when you and the other jurors will argue in a room for about an hour until you strongarm them into voting guilty.

And that's the American Justice System! Find out more at http://www.jurydoodie.poo

I have to use the bathroom!

Addendum:
Someone in your jury is going to imply that you are racist because you think the accused is guilty and that you don't know about how the police treat minorities. White Guilt will then make you vote "not-guilty-but-not-innocent".

You will find out after the trial that the accused is in jail because they are up for ANOTHER trial for felony possession charges.

I told you they were guilty!

But the good thing is I finally got to see what crack cocaine looked like up close and I think it looks pretty sexy!

I'm feeling tight in the pants!