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Dear Sarah Palin:

"My boyfriend doesn't seem as interested in sex as he used to be.  Sometimes when we go to bed he acts irritated or tired.  Frequently he complains of a headache.  I think he's acting because some nights I put on a sexy nightie and I'm CLEARLY in the mood but he makes up some excuse for not initiating things.  Is he having an affair with another woman?  Can you bail me out here?"


Dear worried:

"That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in, where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh -- it's got to be all about job creation too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing, but 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We've got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that."

Thanks: Art Backwash for the Mays art. That site rocks.

Here's a report of the most popular search terms used to find our site.

You're as twisted as we'd hoped.

Thank you and keep 'em coming!

Search Query		Number of requests
1.	women in prison	32
2.	courtroom	11
3.	prison women	10
4.	greatest american hero	4
5.	picture of courtroom	3
6.	free	3
7.	the courtroom	3
8.	giantrabbit	3
9.	hugs not drugs	3
10.	contest	3
11.	man covered in bees	3
12.	modern armor suit	3
13.	handjob in the bathroom	2
14.	guy pee holding	2
15.	balkan dictator wooden stake	2
16.	become a werewolf	2
17.	400 price	2
18.	toronto blue jays dancers	2
19.	super pussies	2
20.	diagrams	2
21.	something exciting	2
22.	japanese fighting robots	2
23.	how to become a werewolf	2
24.	fighting robot kits	2
25.	super fun patrol	2
26.	if i was gay i would be the best gay of all history	2
27.	fart into space	2
28.	alandales kirkwood	2
29.	crucified woman	2
30.	women prison	2
	[not listed: 119]	121

Welcome to St. Louis, where if it's not raining, it's probably raining!

Every morning I wake up before work and turn on Channel 4 News and watch St. Louis' chubbiest weatherman, Matt Chambers, tell me that it is going to rain. Frankly it's like a ritual these days. I know what he's going to say, but if I don't hear it, I have to flip a light switch 451 times and check the stove 72 times to make sure the burner is turned off.

I also watch because Virginia Kerr is hot. Attention other St. Louis stations, get hotter anchors! Virginia Kerr is approximately 5000 times hotter than Deanne Lane and if Randy Naughton were to stand next to Kerr, people passing by would give her money because they would feel so bad for her.

Yes, this is a picture of Virginia Kerr. I got it from Channel 4's website. It looks like someone is partying tonight!

Hot.

I'm just throwing this out there, but if any Chnnel 4 executives are reading this, you have a high-five from me reserved for you.

Come and get it.

But I digress. This is about all the damn rain we've been having in St. Louis. We've had so much rain lately, I've just completed construction on the Midwest's version of the Kon-Tiki and Paul, Sag and I will be sailing the ship to Polynesia to kick Thor Heyerdahl ass.

Half of our viewing area is floded and there's no sign of letting up any time soon.

The crazy thing is that we were not, unlike most of the US, in a drought. We had plenty of rain to begin with, but now we're getting everyone else's rain. It's like when the mailman delivers the neighbor's ValPack coupons to you and you go ahead and use them because you don't like your neighbor and it's your passive aggressive way of sticking it to them.

So while Florida, Texas, California and every other place in the country is praying to an uncaring god for water, we have it in spades. We have so much that they're thinking of filming the remake of Waterworld right here in River City. Dryland? A MYTH!

So I've decided to make a list of things you can do for entertainment when it's always raining:

• Drink Your Own Pee
• Drink Someone Else's Pee
• Stand in Yard Naked and Shake Fist at Clouds
• Pour Entire Bottle of Palmolive In Sewer Grate
• Go Fishing In Driveway
• Merman Parade
• Drink, Die, Drink
• Stomp on Frogs
• Worm Collage
• Underwater Olympics
• Hijack FEMA Boat, Install Slot Machine, Rake it In

Me? I'm going to make a packet selling doggie-sized water wings to gullible rich people in Ladue and Dardene Prarie.

Rain monkey is angry. Do not make him angry!

 

I've managed to go an entire article without typing fuck. As in "I would like to fuck". To be honest, I only typed that last line so when people Google a certain person, they will be directed to this post. Because I am an a-hole - as in "in the asshole".

That was twice in one article that I am tricking innocent Google searchers. But fuck 'em, they clicked on the link! 

It's written all over her face. I'll stop now. Semen.

Skuzzbopper here -

Look Dave, I'm just going to come right out and say it. I would like to massage your buttocks.

Not in a gay way - let's leave sex out of this. This is how I celebrate business accumen.

Some people slap the buttocks for a 'good game'.

I go one further. Massage. It feels good and is better than a 3 martini lunch meeting.

Think of me like a doctor, but without a license or the schooling. I do have a lab coat though, if that would help.

I love your business model. I'd like to test drive it, kick its tires and see it walk the runway.

I want to show you my business tools. I think my staff can help. Third double entendre.

You can contact my secretary. He's a man because I believe in diversity.

Let's get a leg up and over on these bloggers.

Sincerely,

Pennyford Xavier Skuzzbopper, PDA.
CIO - SFP Industries.

 

 

 

WHAT? We were doing this YESTERDAY? Well who the hell was going to fill me in? WHAT DO I PAY YOU PEOPLE FOR? Get your head and your Blackberry out of your asses and give the boss a clue, huh?

Sheesh! That's it - the Memorial Day Fun Run IS CANCELLED!

Yeah, we could use a new Xerox anyway - that money will get put to good use.

DAMN IT!

Amy Winehouse is nominated for album, record, song of the year, best new artist. I just want to dispell the myth that British chicks are ugly and have bad teeth.

Uh... Never mind.

AARP	LARP
Automobile Insurance	If your coach is destroyed, you hoof it.
Dental Insurance	Shots of whiskey kill germs but stain teeth yellow.
Homeowners Insurance	Castle constantly besieged.
Life Insurance Program	Bring dead party members to the temple for resurrection.
Long-Term Care Insurance	You're probably going to die young, so forget it.
Medicare Supplement Insurance	Chew slowly - this is Stygian - the good stuff!
MedicareRx Plan	Unlabled potions from treasure hoards.
Mobile Home Insurance	A giant hurling your cottage across a field.
Motorcycle Insurance from Foremost	Horses are too expensive to buy, so just steal one from a peasant.
Personal Health Insurance Plan	Armor class 0 is good protection unless someone has a good THAC0.
Pharmacy Services	Ulfric's Alchemy and Gruel Shoppe.
Recreational Vehicle Insurance Program	Donkeys.
Supplemental Health Insurance Plans	Ring of healing - 2 free recharges!
Vision Discounts	You'll poke your eye out.
Travel discounts	Enter the catacombs to find electrum to pay for this campaign.
AARP Magazine	Monks copy scrolls by hand. Good luck finding one.
AARP Bulletin	Town cryer.
Sdgunda Juventud (targeting Hispanics)	Cleric Spell - Protection from Evil - Targeting the Undead.
Mature Focus Radio	Scrying pool.

Conclusion: AARP is Superior to LARP. Suck on it, nerds!

Yo, yo, wassup, bro-seph?! My name is Brother Nyce Anderson, and I am the pastor for a rad new concept in bringing faith to our youth - Kickin' It Ministries! You see this day and age, our youth need to be spoken to on their level, which is a level that's - well, totally AWE-SOME!

Young adults these days aren't down with the clowns - the clowns being their parents (Am I right, guys?) - who want to bore us to death with quoting from the Bible and just staring at you like you're some kinda sponge. No wonder the old folks don't get why some of us wander into the hellish, godless secular world! How can you make the message of our Lord and Savior, the most awesome rockin' dude of all time, Jesus Christ, when you treat your young followers like a bunch of r-tards and lam-os? What's the dilly, yo? Know what I'm sayin?

So at Kickin' It Ministries, we take Christ (Praise His name) to the streets. We bring it to the stage, and we bust out the rock while preachin' the word, bros and sistas. You can come to our service, which is on Saturdays right at 7 pm. - no gettin' up early for these rockin' Christians - where the band and me...

Oh you know we got a band, right? And a DJ too? That's right, guys. My band, Altar Cross, bangs out the tunes and our DJ, MC Preech, busts the rhymes and makes some mad beats. In between we talk about the mega awesome impact Christ has on our daily lives, and we praise Him for being so cool and relevant. 2000 year old Book? I don't think so, not when you get the Word out with guitar solos and shout-along choruses!

Just think about that! You, me, the band and our DJ gettin' together, chillin' in His crib, and sippin' some juice. Fruit juice that is! We got a bangin' juice bar that will be servin' up the cold, frosty smoothies all night while we jam on God!

What a great deal, huh? You get to be around a clean, positive atmosphere, hear some bad-ACE rock and hip hop, and you'll feel safe to discuss some important questions about your faith. Like for example, say you're a young, attractive 17 year old woman (that's right, ladies, here you are women, not little girls anymore), and you're not sure if savin' it is the right thing to do. I mean, there's all this heavy peer pressure to give it up to some guy just to fit in, right? The Devil is just tempting you, right there, just saying, "Go on, Sadie, open up those nubile, creamy, virginal thighs and allow my glistening, rigid phallus into your holy entrance. I want to crack your hymen like a government safe."

It's a tough challenge, ladies, and your buddy Brother Anderson is gonna be right here for you. I'm gonna sing you a song, talk to you about the super-bad Holy Spirit, and then we can sit down in private and talk about those urges and pressure. It's a totally safe, clean and spiritual environment. Just sip on the cocoa I've prepared for you, and let my guitar lull you into a peaceful state. You'll open right up to me, and then the whole band! Heck maybe even MC Preech will come back and show you his own, personal prayer rituals! Wouldn't that just totally rock?

Alright guys, I gotta get goin', 'cause band practice starts in 10 minutes. But just remember what I've told you. Kickin' It Ministries is a church for you, not those boring, old parents and their lectures! Christ was a rebel, unique, troubled and dealt with the same exact stuff as you. Let Him show the way, and let us show the way with ROCK!! Word to your mother, my homies! PTL!!

It's that time where we sit in front of a massive pile of food and cram our wordholes till our stomachs are fit to burst.

Or as we Americans call it - lunch.

But this isn't about my deep seated resentment of the clinically obese - it's about Thanksgiving!

Now a lot of you may only have a vague idea of what this day is all about, so we here at SFP present to you, "The True Story of Thanksgiving."

Back in pioneer days there was much suffering and little cause for celebration. Houses were made of sod and relatives who died of cholera. Families starved as fathers panned for shredded wheat in the streams of the frontier.

We needed a holiday.

But since television wouldn't happen for a thousand years and radio was nothing more than a twinkle in a young pizza chef's eye, the only entertainment to be had was food.

But what to eat?

President Andrew Washingbush knew he needed a shrewd plan to inspire a nation so he hired the greatest mind of the day: Alexander Bicycle, inventor of the crescent wrench. But he was shot in the theater before he could put his plan in motion and there was no one willing to donate their theater for a transplant so he died.

Then in a stunning flash of brilliance, the sun.

Suddenly, Benjamin Franklin, a humble kite salesman, invented the Turkey and was given the federal deficit as a reward.

In the first Thanksgiving test, held at Bell Labs in Skokie, Squanto cried,"What, no gravy?" before being subjugated.

Now with testing done, Cowboy Quaterback Roger Staubach hurled a proclaimation across the 50 yard line into a nation's open heart.

Thanksgiving was born.

Over the years the holiday has evolved from a simple ceremony of giving thanks to a smorgasbord of guilt and passive aggressiveness.

And thanks to scientific breakthroughs, Turkeys have evolved from large flightless birds into dinosauric avian predators who must be eaten to be believed (especially deep fried in peanut oil).

Comedians throughout time now have built-in jokes about the kids' table and drunk uncles.

Football replaces speaking as the conversation of choice and sewer systems across the nation groan under the collective ass offerings of gorged Americans.

But the true meaning of Thanksgiving often gets lost in the shuffle.

So this Turkey Day, celebrate in the traditional manner by hunting an aboriginal food source to the brink of extinction and persecuting a Native American by starting a sports franchise with a lovable drunk mascot named Chief Queef, "The Farting Indian".

You'll be glad you did.

Reference: BibleGateway.com

Today my children, Rev. Pole will read for you Ezekiel, Chapter 23, verse 19 and 20:

Yet she increased her whoring,remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.

You see, God thinks porn is okay. Gangbangs are even in the Bible. For your spiritual purification, I recommend you go to YouPorn and let your own emissions flow..IN JESUS' NAME!

Amen.