Recently in 11i. Fuck That Guy! Category

This country is full of overblown outrage. This is part of the reason I hate comedians as people. You hate reading bumper stickers? Wow, step back from the edge, Captain Edgington, you might fall in!
 
But sometimes you have to be outraged at something and I think everyone should be outraged at Prince.
 
For one thing, the little bastard must be a vampire because he hasn't aged in 20 years. But that's just the tip of this very funky iceberg.
 
Has anyone ever wondered why these women he made famous have never written a tell-all book on how much of a creepy douchebag weirdo this guy might be?
 
The most powerful man in the country isn't George Bush or Bill Gates - it's Prince.
 
Now before you start getting outraged at my outrage because "Prince is an awesome artist, he plays all his own instruments, he bleeds magical healing kool-aid, waah waah waah wahh wah..."
 
Remember... Prince is the guy who wrote, played, released and made a video for BATDANCE.
 
Every creative person takes a shit once in a while - most of the time on purpose. You think anyone thought that song was a good idea? The creation of that song probably went something like this:

 
Prince (speaking to his gardener): Jose, I need to make another song for the movie Batman.
 
Jose: What did you say about a movie batdance?
 
Prince: Batdance? Amazing. Thank you. Penelope, fire Jose.
 
Because pain and strife beget art, when you have more money than you can spend you make Batdance.
 
I mean, I used to love Pearl Jam when they first came out. They were angry, they played bangin' rock-and-roll. They had something to say. Because they were poor and lived in the gloomiest fucking town in America. Not to mention they were sick of all the "Dr. Feelgood" shit pouring out of the mouthcunts of hair-metal.
 

Then they got way too rich to be pissed off. Sure, there were causes to take up but fuck it, Bill Clinton was president, the economy was rocking, the Internet was way cool and we weren't at war. Sounds like a great time to commission, purchase and smoke a life-sized Charles Barkley statue made out of hashish.
 
So they started to suck because though they were happy, Eddie wanted to be Niel Young and pooped out mid-tempo drivel for ten years.
 
Then Bush became president and I nearly creamed my jeans because I hate the guy, but you know he was going to inspire some great art. But it didn't happen much during his first term because instead of outrage, people were just shocked at the shit he pulled off. More of a "You gotta be fucking kidding me" vibe than a pissed off vibe. Then we went to war and the art world exploded.
 
And if you think Bush is dumb, think about this - he won a second term by saying, "You can't change horses mid-stream" and "Faggots are icky". And you voted for him. Dumbass.

And don't say Kerry would have been worse. How do you know? He could not possibly be worse than what we have now. I grant you he might have been shitty, but if your horse is shitty and drowning, you change fucking horses. That's like eating spaghetti every day for four years and hating it, but not trying something else because, "I've head bad things about tacos. I'd rather be miserable than to try something new on the off chance that'll be just as shitty as this godawful spaghetti."

So now Pearl Jam is making good music again.
 
But I digress.
 
I imagine Prince is this sexually twisted mafioso forcing these women into macabre sexual perversions.
 
Prince: Put my balls into your vagina while you eat this hoagie. Incubate my balls, you dirty whore! And if you tell anyone about this, I'll chop your mama's left butt off.
 
And you know he'll do it.
 
Just think about the women he's scored and/or made famous (I found this on the Internet):
 

Kim Upsher
Susan Moonsie
Vanity
Jill Jones
Apollonia
Kim Basinger
Susannah Melvoin
Sheila E
Ingrid Chavez
Carmen Electra
Mayte Garcia
Melanie B
Madonna
Manuela Testolini
Nona Gaye
Robin Power
Cat Glover
Kristin Scott Thomas
Ophelie Winter
Devin Devasquez
Troy Beyer
Elisa Fiorillo
Martika
Mica Paris
Sheena Easton
Sue Ann Carwell
Patti Labelle
Anna Garcia

 
And no one has said a mean word about him? There be a lot of half-assed mamas out there if they had.
 
I'm risking MY life just telling you about this. Prince will fucking murder you. Remember his assless pants? He'll wear those while disposing of your body to taunt your mama with his complete two-cheeked ass. So keep this between us. If you tell Prince he'll come and kill me. But if he does, please play Batdance at my funeral to stick it to that sawed-off vampire motherfucker.
 
The end.

RED OAK, Texas - An 18-year-old man was arrested Friday and accused of killing a zebra named Zambi in a drive-by shooting.

A drive by zebra killing? What?!!?!!

Zambi was shot dead July 5 as he grazed in a pasture at HiView Farms outside of Waxahachie, about 30 miles from Dallas, said Lt. Kevin Ketchum of the Ellis County Sheriff's Office. The farm is also home to camels, llamas and ring-tailed lemurs.

I am far from being a member of PETA, but... Fuck that guy! I hope he has some prison rape coming his way.

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