Recently in 11f. Letters from Gabe Poppi Category

Dear Super Fun Patrol,

Well, I finally settled down after being on the run for months. As you'll remember in my last letter I had to flee my old neighborhood because of some troubles with the police. The various traps I had set for them in my home worked somewhat well. I'm happy to report that one police man lost his left hand. The vat of urine soaked oatmeal did disappoint. I admit I didn't "refresh" it as often as I should have which left it somewhat solid. According to the local papers officer "Wagner" only got submerged up to his waist.

I do like my new neighborhood but I've been having some trouble. In a search for my new mother I was visiting several nursing homes and found the perfect match. "Doris" was just the right size, shape and color. She didn't have any TV troubles(which drove me crazy with my other mother) and she liked to eat cookies. Things were going well until my sixth visit when one of nurses insisted on seeing some "proof" that I was Doris's son. I mean, really. Why do people feel like they can get in the way of family? I tried to reason things out with her but she wouldn't listen.

I was able to bring Doris home a few nights ago but things are pretty rough. Apparently there is some medication she needs which I don't have. I would have preferred to keep visiting Doris at the nursing home but that darn nurse always got in the way. Whats wrong with people?

Your confused friend,
Gabe Poppi

Dear Super Fun Patrol

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Earlier this month I came home after a horrible blind date to find a police car outside my house! Knowing that law enforcement officials are often judgmental I decided to flee. The thought of trying to explain the simulated jail cell in the basement and/or the collection of woman's purses just tired me. Oh, and it’s more than likely an officer will be injured by the various traps and alarms scattered throughout the house. I doubt they'll be in a good mood if one of them loses an arm, a head or falls into a vat of urine soaked oatmeal. It’s very difficult to construct a 2000 gallon tank in your house by the way. Fortunately I got great advice from an associate at Home Depot. I didn't know that urine-soaked oatmeal can rot away steel and should be stored within a thick plastic liner.

So now I write to you from a safe house a few towns over. It’s not time to ride out of state yet as the road blocks are still plentiful. Hopefully the law’s vigilance will tire and I’ll be able to leave. I was able to call my Mom and convince her that I was going on vacation and that I’d be back. I’m not sure what to do about her and her TV reception problems. She just refuses to pay for cable. My date from the other night is starting to get on my nerves and keeps asking when she can go home. You know, how many times do I have to explain that we are going to start a new life together? It just doesn't sink in.

Do you have any recommendations for where I should go? I'm a fan of quiet streets and high concentrations of hardware stores. I’m good with my hands! Wish me luck.

Your mobile pen pal,
Gabe Poppi

Dear Super Fun Patrol,

You would think that providing food, channel 4 and a dry basement would be enough for your wife wouldn't you? Granted, "Cathy" and I are aren't officially married yet. When I picked her up from port 6 weeks ago I assumed we would have been engaged by now. Unfortunately our courtship has been difficult and for no good reason.

It started the first day I locked her in the basement. All she did was bang on the door and scream in some language I don't understand. I mean, English please! Then she started pushing the food back under the slot in the door. She wasn't eating! I don't know what country she's from but here in America, Salisbury steak is a delicacy no one can resist.

I decided for New Year’s that she should have a few resolutions to work on so we can live happily ever after. Here's the list I passed to her:

1. Stop attacking me when I hose out her quarters
2. Start referring to herself as "Cathy"
3. Stop pushing her poop through the slot
4. Stop escaping

She's done real well with #1 and not so good with #3. As for #4, well, lets just say as I'm writing this I'm in my car behind the local White Castle. The last 3 times she escaped I caught her going through the dumpster here. Maybe that burnt onion smell reminds her of her homeland –who knows? I should probably buy thicker metal plates for the basement windows. She is strong!

What else can I do? I mean, I'm not super human. What does it take to force someone to love you, eat their dinner and not escape?

Just trying to live happily ever after,
Gape Poppi

Dear Super Fun Patrol,

I hate the mall. The mall scares me. It’s the bright lights, the mass of people and the security guards that just make me shiver. Now, the mall parking lot is just fine –especially at night. I enjoy the quiet and the darkness. So why is it so shocking when I approach people coming out of the mall and offer to buy their gifts from them? I offer good money for what they’ve purchased. I’m sure in some cases they could turn a profit! But every time I’m turned away rudely.

This has gone on for weeks and I can’t get my darn shopping done. Tonight I approached a young lady in the east county mall parking lot and offered her $50 for the items in the bag she was carrying. I think the bag was from WaldenBooks or something. My mother loves books and enjoys a good murder mystery. Long story short, the girl called me a “creep” and got in her car and drove away. Just like that! I mean, come on? Right now I’m sitting outside her house in my car and I think she DID buy a murder mystery. Have you ever heard of the Da vinny Code? It’s hard to see the book title through her window even with my high powered binoculars. Anyway, I’m going to knock on her door and see if she’s changed her mind.

Just wanting people to get in the holiday spirit,
Gape Poppi

Dear Super Fun Patrol,
I ran into a bit of trouble the other night when I was voting. Apparently it’s unacceptable to use your cell phone while placing your votes. I was asked to leave because I refused to hang up on my mother.

My mother is very old and she would think the worst if I didn’t let her go on and on about her TV problems. I’ve wrapped tinfoil around the broken rabbit ears to better increase reception and sometimes I think its working. Other times it might just be the weather.

I was frustrated when I was asked to leave so I waited in my car outside the polling place so I could have a word with the little old lady that yelled at me. I’m sure she would understand the situation with my mother and her TV. My goal was to prevent other voters from having to hang up on their mothers. Somehow she ended up in my trunk. I’m looking at her now as I right this. I’m somewhere deep in Wayne county…I must have been driving for hours. I want to discuss the situation with her in more depth but I’m afraid she might react badly. What a crazy night.

I need to talk some sense into her. What should I say? My arms are tired from digging and I’m afraid I have a short fuse right now. I'm really confused.

It would seem, yet again, that time is of the essence.

Thanks,
Gabe Poppi