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Fuck you, American public and fuck you, to the producers that are slaves to the American public!
Here is my audience critique. There were a bunch of kids so it was fucking annoying, but I'm willing to cut some slack because it is a kids movie. I do have to comment on this one instant. Spritle flipped another character off before stepping into an elevator. I heard a kid exclaim immediately: "What does that mean!?!" The father said: "It is not for you to know about."
So here is what I don't understand. Computer animated kids movies = gold right?
Chicken Little - 135 million
Finding Nemo - 339 million
Happy Feet - 198 million
Speed Racer's 2nd week totals are almost to 30 million. It cost 120 million to make that mother fucker. What the hell is wrong with you people? 120 million? Really? I know there was a monkey and a lot of explosions, but come on guys. Where the hell is the audience? I thought all you had to do is make an animated feature and it was 100 million guaranteed?
For people who are Speed Racer fans in the first place, this movie gets 4 and a half "dicks in the ass"® out of 5 asses. It would have gotten 5 "dicks in the ass"® if not for the Racer X reveal.
Go out and see it. Don't let "Happy Feet" trump "Speed Racer".
Jackhammer Jackie was her name and ham-fisted, mind-blowing hand jobs were her game. Sure, giving a hand job through bars ain't easy -unless you're in the slammer for life and get lots and lots of practice. No, I ain't jealous of the dicks that got tossed before mine. Everyone's entitled to feel some loving when their alone. Jackie just hadn't met me yet. In many ways I should be thankful she was able to perfect her art on lesser men before me.
Jackie and I met through Martha -this fat broad that did time in chino but got out after the cop who put her away was dirtified. Lining his pockets with the criminal wallpaper if you fuck my gist. Anygay, she serves up ribs over at Richard's Ribs in Kirkwood. Fucking delicious by the way. We got to talking and I got to mentioning my love of hand jobs and how hard it was to find a whore who could rub out a good one. She just laughed...and giggled. Turns out she met this girl in prison named Jackhammer Jackie who could never get into women but LOVED and I mean just LOVED jerking off men. Too good to be true?
Fuck no. After a few letters back forth to authenticate her authenticity I followed her given path to a dirty prison guard. Yea, visitors don't get the herky jerky because of that asshole glass between them and the incarcerated. So you have to meet her disguised as a prison guard. Man, I'm getting a chub just writing about it.
The first time I was standing in front her cell I have to admit, I was worried. For one fucking thing I couldn't see her. It was after lockdown, all dark and shit. And then all of a sudden WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK and I was done...almost passed out from the ecstasy of the whole ordeal. I fell over backwards and knocked my head against the prison floor. FUCK! That fucking hurt. Jackie started laughing and a love was born. She whispered through the bars..."you have a small prick but it was shaped good".
Now, I'm not a hording kind of guy and if you're like me you've been looking for a girl like Jackie. You might even be singing to yourself right now, "Wish that I had Tom Buffalo's girl...where do I find a prison bitch like that!" And brother, if you show up at Richard's Wednesday nights we'll see what we can do.
Tom Buffalo rating: 10 out of 10 hand jobs
This is an actual screenshot from BNN St. Louis, run by Dave Mastio. CLEARLY it states in an ad that is poorly aligned and placed that I AM A WINNER WINNER WINNER of a FREE LAPTOP. LIES! YOUR WEBSITE IS MISLEADING ME!
Where is it? I like laptops. They fit on your lap and can hide your boner when you view Interporn.
It also says I'm the 1,000,000th visitor. THERE ARE ONLY 500,000 (give or take) people in St. Louis.
Why do you forsake me, DAVE MASTIO? What have I ever done to you? I didn't kick your dog or TP your mommy's house.
Dave Mastio runs BlogNetNews where he aggrigates your content WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, PAL. That's hardcore. Very anarchistic.
Popup ads, pop-under ads - NOTHING IS TOO LOW for this laptop indian-giver (pardon me, aborigine giver).
Dave is too tough for me. I can't fight this juggernaut. I'm scared. You know when you see a big scary bug in your house and you run to get a kleenex to kill it and THEN YOU CAN'T FIND IT?
It's like that. I'm that scared.
Congratulations? More like "Neener, neener, neener - NO LAPTOP FOR CRAIG MAYHEM."
It's a lousy joke, pal. It's like lying to a kid - telling them they're going to Six Flags and then taking them to the grocery store instead.
Why do you lie to me?
But you can atone for this injustice.
Make with the FREE laptop and we'll forget this ever happened.
In short, the movie is awful, but it is a fun ride if you are twisted like me. I enjoyed it, but you probably won't.
(Vinnie Barbarino information matrix)
What? Dinner
Where? Chaumette Winery
Why? I was hungry
Who? My wife and some friends
When? New Year's Eve
As you can see from the picture
above it looks like some warm and foamy cock sauce was coaxed onto a limp salty
piece of asparagus. The Caesar salad
tasted like human sweat. The little edible (I think?) tortilla-like bowl that held
the insultingly small portion of salad was 50 day old stale. 
Up next you can see what was once
frozen has now been unfrozen and violated.
You can also see the tell-tale signs of our jerk-off happy chefs. This dual-course entree gave us one insanely
fish-stinky lobster tail and 2 small pucks of barely cooked lamb.
Let's start with the lobster. That mound of "meat" protruding from the carcass
like a hemorrhoid started dissolving into goo the second my fork touched it. In about 30 seconds the lobster tail was completely
empty -its contents filling my plate like rotten fish soup. I thought about asking for a spoon but
decided that downing another glass of wine was the better choice. Good wine!
Fortunately, I thought, I had some lamb. Lamb is usually good especially when it's not scorched.
In this case the lamb was barely cooked enough. It was also filled with fat. Out of the two limp and fatty pieces I got
about 2 bites. Keeping it
down was tough because the lamb was covered in slimy lobster goop. I felt like I was eating weeks old lunch meat
from a dirty aquarium.
The desert was an interesting mix
of pudding, dirt and glass. Yes, glass. Looking at the picture you can see what looks
like delicious golden strands of sugar.
In my excitement at the prospect of something good I stuffed about half
of the straws in my mouth and immediately enjoyed the sensation of chewing
glass. Thinking I was about to break my
mouth I created a little golden shower by spitting them out onto my plate. The pudding beneath had the texture of dirt and was freezing cold. I guess they had dug it up outside the winery
just before we arrived. If it had any "taste" or "flavor"
the permafrost temperature was covering it up.
Dear god...don't eat here people.
PAUL
RATING: 1 out of 10 (if I was going to die if I didn't eat I would eat this
food again)
Hi. I'm the new guy. The guy they haul out to do the dirty work. Well let me tell you something - the job stinks! Someone's getting punched in the gullet for this one.
Apparently there's some guys in Jacksonville, Florida who like the show. That's great and all, but I have to tell you:
JACKSONVILLE IS DUMB
The city's motto is: Where Florida Begins
Where Florida begins, huh? Well take a gander at THIS:
Looks like there's a WHOLE OTHER COUNTY above you, Jacksonville. Duval County must be run by morons. And have you seen the women in Jacksonville? They should have kept the name Cowford! But what do you expect from a city where 1% of the people speak a crazy moon language called "Tagalog"? Why don't you take an Art Walk right into the Atlantic Ocean? And let's not forget that Limp Bizkit if from your city. All in all Jacksonville can snobble my knobble. Enjoy the show. * Skuzzbopper's opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Super Fun Patrol. They might - but they probably don't. Maybe.
This is the "Ben Hur" of dick humor movies.
To start the evening off right some drunk, fratboy, piece of shit was thrown out before the movie even started because he cursed angrily at the, "fucking movie janitors" that were cleaning the theater before everyone could enter. They asked to see his ticket and he was upset. To my happiness, the security guards at the Galleria now have "mountie" style wide brim hats. They escorted him out, probably to a sale at the nearby Hollister, then on to pick up chicks at Club Libby Lu.
If you are an asshole like I am, you will love this movie. The main characters are all horrible, foul people and the real gem is the police officer's drunken adventure with McLovin. Also, get ready for some menstrual humor people! I noticed that around the theater the dick humor wasn't well received. Upon further examination, it occured to me that crude dick humor isn't funny to the normal movie patron when the character isn't ironically loveable. In fact, he is just a big douche.
If you are an asshole and a dick humor lover, I give it a 6 out of 10. I suggest this movie to you but you will leave the theater wishing there were way more tits in it.
If you are a regular movie patron or someone who lends credibility to morals, I give it a 2 out of 10 and you will hate this movie.
It was a piece of shit, but such a wonderous piece of shit.
Historic. That's what trendy people say when they really mean old. Sometimes the old place is just old and sometimes it's old on the outside, but new on the inside. Most of these places are located in hip, historic neighborhoods which means they don't have a parking lot and you have to drive around for a while looking for a spot for the privilege of hanging out there. I finally found a spot on a dangerous-looking back street where I was sure I was going to be robbed, so I got excited about it just in case it did happen I would be happy instead of sad.
These things aren't the Lucas School House's fault. They just are.
The Lucas School House is a 100 year old church complex newly converted into nearly 2 music venues (one to open in the church proper next year), a banquet hall and 1 club room. Being located in the Soulard neighborhood of St. Louis means it is undoubtably historic and very trendy.
I didn't go to the music venue or banquet hall.
The Event: I was invited to go to a Nintendo-sponsored-event! It was a Wii party. That part was fun I guess. I got an invitation from Mamalogues because the Super Fun Patrol is ON THE SCENE, bitches! The Wii looked really fun and people were having a good time playing it. I could not play because I had hernia surgery mere days before and even though I'm an iron man and was able to hove my way into the place to make an appearance, getting overly excited during a game of samurai cheese shop would be ill advised.
Dana was a very good host and made sure the Wii partii was rolling along. Event-wise it was original, fun and interesting. Everyone got a whirl on a Wii and Nintendo did a great job too.
The Food: When I get an invitation to go somewhere and the words free and food are next to each other, I get very happy. I like food that I don't have to pay for. I'm not sure if the Lucas School House catered the event or there was an outside catererer. There wasn't a catering truck around, but as I mentioned above, there's no parking in Soulard so they may have been parked at the Arch.
The food was buffet-style and was filled with various appetizers. There was this eggplant/parmesean cheese/toast concoction that I didn't eat because there was no meat involved. It looked like a vegetarian would love it and ask for the recipe. There were these skewers of vegetables and lunch meat that I also didn't eat because the meat to vegetable matter ratio was unfavorable. The chicken satay was ok, but was luke warm. The crab cakes suffered the same fate even though there was definitely a burner underneath it because I checked - good taste, no heat. The t-ravs were also tasty, but soggy and the marinara was cold but I ate it anyway because hey, free food.
Which brings me to the point - should you lower your expectations of the food when it's free? I say no. But I did anyway because I'm used to being disappointed by the food at trendy places. It's just a fact - food at trendy places is either too weird for an average bloke like me, or it's bad and people say it's good because their brains are being penetrated by trendy-waves eminating from the historic-ness of the building.
Final Grade: B for taste C+ for warmth/sog . (Haha! A pun based on the fact that it used ot be a school!)
The Place: I guess it's ok. It must not have too much going for it when the website describes it as, "designed specifically for private events, small parties & meetings." It also says it's, "ideal for a variety of functions such as corporate meetings, concerts, parties, private dining and charity events." So it's good for meetings, parties, events and also meetings events and parties. Don't forget about meetings! The Lucas School House Club Room is SMALL. Also being temporarily semi-handicapped, I noticed that it's also not hadicapped accessible, so suck it, cripple! Take your cripple events, meetings and parties elsewhere! Their site also states that it can seat 20 people for dinner or hold 60 people for a cocktail party. I guess trendy people are all heroin-skinny because I just don't see it.
The "room" is a little 2-level affair with the bottom being more of an entrance way with about 6 steps leading up to the room proper. There's a lot of woodwork, some leather and wood (executive) chairs and hardwood floors. It's nice, but 60 people? Maybe if they were all dating each other and didn't mind the pelvic rubbing. There were maybe 25 people there and I felt claustrophobic. If there's not enough room for each person to swing their nunchaku, there's not enough room!
A possible contributor to the walls closing in was the heat. It was hot. The kind of hot where the sweat from your underbutt seeps into your khakis and it looks like, well it looks like you have a very sweaty butt. And we won't even get into the amount of swamp that must have been contained in the pantaloons of everyone there. They said their AC couldn't handle it when it's that hot. I thought that's what AC was for, but I guess TRENDY AC only works when it doesn't need to and diversifies its portfolio when the mercury climbs above 80. It was 95. Inside and out. Smell!
Basically it felt like I was in someone's expensive house and that meant I wasn't allowed to touch anything, be comfortable or have hot food.
The Lucas School House Club Room has potential but is often distracting and needs to focus on fundamentals before I can give it a passing grade.
Thanks to Dana and everyone WORKING there, because they were great! Maybe I'm not hip enough to like the place, but at least I didn't get mugged!
This is the Club Room. Don't touch anything, please.
All content copyright (c) 2008 Super Fun Patrol. Stealing is for sucks!
