Recently in 11a. Product Reviews Category

Disappointed with the current direction my life was taking -paying bills, working, bathing, working and paying bills I decided to, as they say, "live in moment" for a period of one day.  The reasoning behind this decision was simple -if you hang around someone who is impulsive, reckless and blind to consequences it's impossible not to notice their rampant happiness. 

Curious to see if this would work for me I decided to wake up last Monday with only one priority.  That priority was to DO WHAT I WANTED TO DO NO MATTER WHAT.

So, here is a run down of my day:

7:00 am: I wake up, throw alarm clock across the room

11:03 am: I wake up for real this time, promptly masturbate

11:08 am: Get myself a bowl of cereal and a beer.  Turn on G4TV.

12:30 pm: Crack open my 4^th beer.  Apparently drinking beer and watching G4TV is what I really want to do during the day.

12:49 pm: Jerk off again 

12:56 pm: Eat all of the lunch meat in the fridge.  Fuck sandwiches, I'm pulling the slices out of packages by hand and stuffing them into my mouth.  I eat 4 slices of American cheese. 

1:10 pm: Now I'm into the whiskey.  I take a few swigs and throw the bottle...whiskey burns my mouth.

1:45 pm: I'm driving to Walgreen's to get some prescription drugs.  I'm really in the mood for Vicadin

2:15 pm: I try to get behind the counter at Walgreen's but the pharmacist is strong and threatens to call the police.  I walk to the front of the store and buy the biggest bottle of Dramamine I can find.  In the parking lot I throw down about 6 pills.

2:30 pm: I stop by a local bar and order a beer and 3 shots of Vodka.

3:15 pm:  After 2 rounds I'm very, very sleepy.  I tell the bar tender that my family was just killed in a car accident.  He says he's really sorry - I tell him to fuck off because he's white.  I also tell him I was lying about my family getting killed.  I throw my beer glass at him...I miss. 

3:18 pm: I'm now getting the shit beat out of me in the parking lot by the bartender and some other guy.  I have to pee so I start pissing myself.  Good news: They stop beating me.  Bad news: I smell like pee.

5:00 pm: I wake up in my car with my pants down.  I'm still in the bar's parking lot. Now I'm in the mood for Ghostbusters

5:30 pm: I drive to the local movie plex -they aren't showing Ghostbusters.  I try to convince them to show it by telling them that my family was just killed in a car wreck.  Doesn't work.  I buy some popcorn and masturbate in the men's room. 

6:35 pm: Hit a tree with my car.  Luckily it's right outside my house.  My wife comes running outside screaming...I tell her I want a divorce but first she needs to wash my pants.  She gets in her car and leaves...says something about wanting to leave me anyway. 

6:45 pm: I shit in my wife's cedar chest.

6:50 pm: Police at the front door.  I don't feel like spending the night in jail so I grab the half empty bottle of whiskey on the floor and run out the back door. 

7:45 pm: I'm under my neighbor's porch and the whiskey is just about gone...this sucks and I'm cold.  I try to masturbate but it isn't happening.  I scream into the darkness...nothing.    

9:00 pm: Finally back home again and I'm not feeling well but luckily, no police to be seen.  I turn on G4 and puke on the carpet.    Must of passed out soon after. 

So would this way of life work for me all the time?  No, I don't think so.  Consequences tended to force themselves on me regardless.  Like the physical beating and the divorce.  Still, I think its good advice to everyone to abuse more substances and masturbate when the feeling hits.  You only get to live this life once.

Paul Alamo rating: 7.5 out of 10. 

Chiclets are so crappy that this is the OFFICIAL Chiclets image from Cadbury Adams. There's a hair in the picture! Chiclets matter so little to their manufacturer that they didn't even waste an additional frame of film for a beauty shot.

"What's next, Chiclets? *BLAM* One frame - that's it. Get the Mike 'n' Ikes, I don't have all day."

I suspect it's Clarence Thomas' pube.

Taste: There are a jillion flavors of Chiclets. Flavors that last as long as 5 entire seconds. After you crunch through the sugary gum-crust, it's pretty much just a teeny-tiny lump of unflavored gum-base.

Experience: Who chews gum this small? Is this gum for squirrels or Verne Troyer? Is that a big enough demographic?

Price: At first the price, fifty-cents, seems pretty reasonable until you realize that you have to chew the entire box at once to have a decent-sized peice of gum. Fifty cents for one piece of gum? That can make you angry. In fact, Fifty-Cent took his name from his hatred of Chiclets. 

Packaging: It comes in a box with a window. A window with no plastic covering. Where has this box been? You might as well pick up a penny from the bathroom floor and put that in your mouth. It also comes in gumball machines where a quarter gives you a handfull of gum. Once again, you don't know where they have been - has a penis been among your gum? Maybe. Plus you have to chew all of it at the same time - you have no choice. There's probably hair in it too because 99% of the time these machines are in barber shops.

Verdict: Please stop making Chiclets.

"If you need some place to keep your money you can keep it at a bank.  Bank of America is a bank and they'll take your money and store it.  If you need it back you can ask them for it when they're open and they'll give it to you.  If they're not open, and you need to buy something, you can ask their money machines.  Bank of American will never be called for holding.  If you're asking for your money they'll give it back.  Even the machines will." 

"If you need a burger with bacon on it, there's a lot of places that do that including Wendy's.  The meat at Wendy's is good, cooked and tough.  There's lettuce, pickles and condiments by the salad bar.  Scratch that -the salad bar got overwhelmed by a bull rush.  Still, and this is important, if you want a burger with bacon on it and you're hungry try Wendy's."

Chopper Command is a video game title by Activision released for the Atari 2600 game console. The game is superior to Atari's home version of Defender and I'm not just saying that because Activision sprung for hookers.

Chopper Command involves the player controlling a military helicopter in a desert scenario protecting a convoy of tractor trailers that are in position on the ground. You fly cover for Snowman and a convoy carrying a full stock of of beer, porn and women over the border into Iraq. The goal is to destroy all the enemy fighter jets and helicopters that attack your helicopter and the friendly trucks travelling below. The game ends when the player loses all of his or her lives or when the player reaches 999,999 points. The game also utilizes a type of radar in order to detect enemy craft not visible on the main screen. Each time you stop off at a U.S. military base and unload some "supplies", you get 1500 points!

The playability is amazing. I had complete control of my helicopter and the destruction that it brought forth. I was pleased that friendly fire didn't subtract from my score and the Jerry Reed soundtrack was as good as it gets for big rigs tearing across the desert. I felt like the Bandit in the sky. Like many Activision titles, a player who achieved a particularly high score could send it in and receive a video game sew-on patch relevant to that particular game. My Activision jacket is covered in them.

Finally a reason to dress like a golfer again! This spring the plaid pants attack the cargo short dominated market with a vengeance. I love plaid pants! In my senior year of high school in 1992 I had multiple pairs that I often wore on the golf course. By summer I predict a full plaid resurgence. I can only hope that this is another successful step towards my favorite 1980s staple, Jams!

I purchased a pair of plaid shorts recently. Let me tell you, they feel great and I look good. Next time you are in a heavily populated area, look around and see the khaki die!