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Fuck you, American public and fuck you, to the producers that are slaves to the American public!
Here is my audience critique. There were a bunch of kids so it was fucking annoying, but I'm willing to cut some slack because it is a kids movie. I do have to comment on this one instant. Spritle flipped another character off before stepping into an elevator. I heard a kid exclaim immediately: "What does that mean!?!" The father said: "It is not for you to know about."
So here is what I don't understand. Computer animated kids movies = gold right?
Chicken Little - 135 million
Finding Nemo - 339 million
Happy Feet - 198 million
Speed Racer's 2nd week totals are almost to 30 million. It cost 120 million to make that mother fucker. What the hell is wrong with you people? 120 million? Really? I know there was a monkey and a lot of explosions, but come on guys. Where the hell is the audience? I thought all you had to do is make an animated feature and it was 100 million guaranteed?
For people who are Speed Racer fans in the first place, this movie gets 4 and a half "dicks in the ass"® out of 5 asses. It would have gotten 5 "dicks in the ass"® if not for the Racer X reveal.
Go out and see it. Don't let "Happy Feet" trump "Speed Racer".
Yesterday was Earth Day, the day where we recycle a few bottles to make up for the megatons of trash we don't the rest of the year.
What you don't know is that the environmental impact of Earth Day is monumental. From the festivals wherein environmental groups use way too many natural resources for petitions and brochures to convince you to wipe with a rag to the trampling of thousands of acres of grasslands by be-Birkenstocked feet.
Why, right here in St. Louis, the crazy people were out in force, drinking free-range water and decrying companies who don't run on wind-power.
So without further ado, here are some facts about Earth Day's impact you might not know.
- Tons of methane released from eating organic salads: 500,000 cubic boltons
- Acres of forests denuded to construct props for their nutzo booths: 2 million
- Barrels of petroleum used in production of patchuli-scented candles: 30,000
- Monkeys slapped by other monkeys: 2
- Gallons of water used to wash hippie-stink off your hands: 850
- Dollars wasted on "hemp" products: $5 billion
- Time wasted by High-Times magazine convincing you that marijuana is environmental: 2 hours
- Whales angered: 7
- Tons of iron mined to supplement the diets of vegans: 50 gojillion
- Gasoline wasted by people driving to Earth Day events: incalculable
And just so you know, I'm not putting my groceries in a cloth sack, but I do recycle my underwear.
Just doing my part.
Well it's February and that means another Black History Month, that time of year when we learn about the great contributions black people have made to America throughout our history.
Simple enough.
But let's face it - Black History Month is NOT for black people! It's for white people. Black people are already interested in their history, but we white people need to be reminded from time to time about the richness of our cultural diversity.
Especially if we live in Chesterfield or St. Peters or (gasp!) NEW TOWN IN ST. CHARLES, or as I like to call it, "Whiteyville".
The problem is that the word "History" reminds people too much of school, and that's a big bummer.
So I've come up with a solution. We change the name to:
BLACK MYSTERY MONTH!
Who doesn't love a mystery? It sets up a great premise and you really wonder what's going to happen at the end of it! And if you're not careful, you just might learn something before it's done!
For example, we all know that George Washington Carver blazed new ground in agriculture, but by the time you get to, "George Washington Carver was an American Botanical..." I'm already asleep. But try THIS on for size:
And kids will beat down the doors of the bookmobile to get a copy.
Harriet Tubman getting you down?
Nancy Drew has the cure! Looks scary and I'm hoping poor Nancy can find out who's trying to stop the Underground Railroad before it's too late!
And who wouldn't be intrigued and enriched by the Hardy Boys' search for Rosa Parks?
Don't capsize the boat!
The point is to make learning fun and maybe someday we won't NEED a Black History Month, because it will just be HISTORY that we all know and more importantly, LOVE!
But I gotta go - Sherlock Holmes has just discovered Moriarty in Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s hometown!
There just doesn't seem to be an in-between, kinda hot redhead. Ever notice that? She's either Julian Moore, Ann Margaret, or some deformed ginger monster spawned from Pippi Longstocking's placenta. It's a fucking mystery.
The Dixie Cups won all five awards they were nominated for, sweet vindication after the Dixie Cups' lives were threatened and sales plummeted when they criticized President Mouthwash on the eve of the Plaque war in 2003. Almost overnight, one of the most successful retainers of rinsing fluid of any genre was boycotted by dentists and disappeared from the bathroom counter. The standing ovations the Dixie Cups received Sunday illustrated how much the political climate has changed regarding the Plaque war, and even President Mouthwash. "That's interesting," Blue Dixie Cup crowed from the bathroom counter after the Tartar Award was handed out earlier in the night.
A new pair of hands pulled Punxsutawney Phil from his stump this year, so it was only fitting that the groundhog offered a new prediction. A prediction of monumental proportions. Dr. Zaius, a front runner in the new Super Fun Party, will become President of the United States.
Zaius on Iraq: "He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself."
President Bush announced Project "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" in the State of the Union Address last night. This plan will enable troops to have thirty lives per continue thus allowing The United States to bolster the forces already fighting terror without adding any additional troops through the creation of C.O.N.T.R.A.
These newly outfitted troops will be equipped with a semi-automatic weapon with unlimited ammo, a machine gun that fires in 6 round bursts and the dreaded spread gun which is extremely devastating up close. Other new weaponry will be a Laser gun that fires a single stream of plasma in a straight line that is 4 times as powerful as a regular shot and a gun which fires small fireballs in a slow corkscrew pattern.
"Mad Dog" Bill and "Scorpion" Lance will be heading up this new project as well as personally taking over the hunt for Bin Laden, who is now rumored to be residing somewhere in South America, terrain that Mad Dog and Scorpion know very well.
Boy howdy is science cool?! Yes it is, Billy!
Dr. Mayhem here with a fresh science report...
Every year scientists from around the globe submit their new findings for peer review in hope that they will have made "the" discovery of the year! Well this year all you stem cell guys and astrophysicists can pucker up and kiss the enormous, pillowy, white keister of the marine biology community!
I give you ORANGUCRAB!
It is beyond my wildist hopes and dreams that a discovery like this would be made in my lifetime. Just gazing at this majestic beast sets my heart racing and my organs expanding.
The orangucrab, or as it is known in the scientific community, invertabratus monkeyus-awesomicus, was discovered by marine biologist, Smedly Koozbane :
"I nearly defecated a large mass of atomic number 79 from my own personal excretion anus!" said Koozbane of the discovery, "Then after I recovered I knew I had to catch and mount this fabulous living dinosaur. Maybe a girl will kiss me now!"
The crab is characterized by using its hairy limbs to brachiate from tree to tree to catch it's prey, the tiny bananawhale larva (profile forthcoming).
There is one most unique behavior of the orangucrab is what really sets it apart from its crabby peers - science calls it "floominotion". This is the tendency of the orangucrab to congregate around oceanic waste pipes to the end of power-swimming up the pipe, through the narrowest of openings, until at last it reaches a distant commode where it lies in wait to pinch the gluteus maximus of human beings.
We don't know why it does this, but we're pretty excited about it.
As we all know those crazy bastards at the Jones Soda Company put out some nifty holiday flavors every year during the holidays. We know that they have Turkey and Gravy and Mashed Potatoes and this year they even have PEA SODA!
Many of you don't know that the Super Fun Patrol has been given an EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEK into this year's NEW crop of sodas!
 | Many people like to eat Turkey during the holiday season, but what about those people who don't like fowl, or whose families have a different tradition? For them, there is HAM SODA! Ken Franklin, head of Soda R&D says, "I've always wanted to be able to drink ham and now my dreams are fulfilled! I also want an 11th toe..." |
For the bachelor, or the orphan, or the social outcast, Jones delivers HOT POCKET! A tasty melange of turkey, cheese and sauce, all melty and gooey and I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. We tested this on a fat kid and he stabbed the mailman. We'll call that success. |  |
 | And finally, after drinking all that high-calorie food, you may feel sweaty and not so fresh. Clean yourself up with "SODA FRESH" DOUCHE COLA! Drink it from both ends! |
I give all of these flavors two fingers way the hell up!
All content copyright (c) 2008 Super Fun Patrol. Stealing is for sucks!
