Recently in 09. Legends of Urb Category

A Saurian invader was captured earlier today by SFP agents. The Reptoid quickly made a brief change into celebrity Conan O'Brien when attempts to seduce SFP agents as Academy Award winning actress Tilda Swinton weren't yielding results.  It appears that this particular Reptoid was only capable of gender change. 

Saurians have not only infiltrated our world leaders, they are firmly in control of news agencies and television networks all over the world.   The alien is being held at an undisclosed SFP facility.  The creature is definitely not at Sag's apartment chained up inside his storage space. 

Reptilian humanoids are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy directed at manipulation and control of humanity. Most of the world's leaders are in fact related to the 7-foot (2.1 m) tall, blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilians from the star system Alpha Draconis.

World renowned scientist David Icke claims, based on his exploration of genealogical connections to European royalty, that many presidents of the United States have been and are reptilian humanoids. In his view, United States foreign policy after September 11 is the product of a reptilian conspiracy to enslave humanity, with George W. Bush as a servant of the reptilians.  He also theorizes that the reptilians came to Earth from the constellation Draco, as opposed to John Rhodes, of the Reptoids Research Center, who reports that the majority of reptilians appear to be of Earth origin and that they may have outposts in various planetary systems and or dimensions.

South Texas, your deathride is officially over!

Over the summer several residents reported a "big-eared, ugly animal" rampaging through the hell that is South Texas.

Well kids, it's not a Cupacabra. (Damn!) It's actually a bunch of hairless coyotes. (Yaaay!)

A rancher found 3 of them near her property and cut off the head of one to save for DNA testing.

She's also going to have it mounted. Because, you know, Texas.

Source: CNNNNNNN

Bill Belichick has nothing but contempt for you and no time for you.

In my estimation, Bill Belichick will also supplant EVERY horror movie villain because he is PURE EVIL.

Here are only SOME of the things this execrable hellspawn has done this season alone!

• Shot a Vegas strip club manager in the back and blamed Pacman Jones
• Convinced Dallas to sign Tank Johnson
• Kicked Joe Gibb in the nuts and banged his wife
• Tore Orlando Pace's rotator cuff
• Told the Colorado Rockies to relax and "The Red Sox are no big deal"
• Used Peyton Manning's cat to wipe his ass
• Started California wildfires and called Gov. Schwartzeneggar a "pussy"
• Threw NFL cheat-gate tapes into a volcano and laughed nefariously
• Set up the game in London
• Gave Brian Urlacher arthritis
• Moved Robert Goulet way down the lung-donor list
• Punched his clown to your wedding tape
• Hid Steve Fossett in David Copperfield's warehouse
• Gave Blackwater employees immunity in Iraq
• Ok'd the 4th Saw film
• Advised Joe Torre and A-Rod to quit the Yankees
• Tore solar panel on international space station
• Put his balls in your hoagie

There are a few things you don't do:

Don't tug Superman's cape

Don't piss into the wind

Don't get a gremlin wet

and

You do not under any circumstances fuck with Bill Belichick. If you happen to see him, run. Don't look back, don't slow down, don't cry for help. Just run. Get into your car, drive to a church and hide under the altar. Beg god for forgiveness for being an athiest, then put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

Because Bill will not stop untill you are dead as disco.

So on this Halloween if you see a homeless-looking man in a cut-off hoodie you might as well shoot yourself in the jugular before Belichick can drag you down into the Mephistophelian depths of hell.

Enjoy your candy.

The largest burger in the world has predicted that...

Toward the end there will be a decline in belief in all religions. A powerful wind from the north, carrying dust, will choke many people. Many men will be killed and women will out number men 7 to 1. Prior to the arrival of the comet, their will be many nations in a famine. The great nation that resides in the ocean, having a great number of people of different descent and ethnicity, will be devastated by earthquakes and tidal waves. It will be divided and a great part of it will be submerged. A comet will displace the ocean basins causing great destruction and death along coastal areas. Entire nations will submerge and disappear while diseases run rampant killing many people.

The burger has spoken.

Sinterklaus. Santa. Kris Kringle. Weird Fat Chimney Climber. These are the names we call the guy who breaks into your house and leaves gifts for your kids while you aren't paying attention. What are your kids doing for this guy and do you really want to know?

But Santa has been watered down here in America. In Old Europe and Old Croatia, there is another legend you should know about.

KRAMPUS!

Be good for Krampus' sake!

Krampus is Santa's drinking buddy. The guy who does the dirty work that Santa doesn't want to do. He is the reason that European children are well behaved before Christmastime. Then Santa comes in like a friggin' hero and leaves presents.

What a guy.

But Krampus gets no love, no respect and no props here in America and I think it's about time he did.

Krampus is a badass for several reasons:

Krampus!

• Looks like a demon


• Same powers as Santa, but sinister


• Krampusnacht


• Find a cooler name, I dare you

On the eve of the Feast of St. Nickolaus, Dec. 5th for you philistines out there, Krampus visits all the boys and girls in the land.

For the good boys and girls, Krampus just reminds them of what could be if they stray from the straight and narrow.

For the naughty kids Krampus attacks!

Krampus gone wild

He beats them with a stick. Because that's the kind of guy Krampus is. You kids might think that Krampus would never beat you, but you'd be wrong. Krampus spares no rod.

And that's basically it. Krampus beats your kids into being well behaved and then goes and gets pissed on European beer.

The drinking is yet another fun part for adults. On the 5th, you go out with your buddies and meet Krampus in a bar and get stupid drunk. Krampusnacht, or "Krampus Night" is celebrated all over Europe as an excuse to relax, put on your goat leggings and pronghorns and guzzle booze till you wet your woolens.

Sweet.

So you might say that Europe is too trendy and they have nothing to offer us.

I say KRAMPUS!

Krampus does the work so you don't have to.

Demogorgon is a powerful demon prince. He is known as the Prince of Demons, a self-proclaimed title he holds by virtue of his power and influence. Demogorgon lives on the 88th layer of the Abyss, known as The Abysm, Brine Flats, or Gaping Maw. The hatred between Orcus and Demogorgon is legendary. He is also a dedicated foe of both Graz'zt and Fraz-Urb'luu. The Super Fun Patrol team will enter the 88th layer of the Abyss through the furnace of the Gilf-plex recording studio to hunt this self-proclaimed demon prince.

Demogorgon appears as an eighteen-foot tall, reptilian (or amphibious) hermaphroditic creature with a somewhat humanoid form. Two baboon heads sprout from his twin snake-like necks, and his arms end in long tentacles. Demogorgon's two heads have individual personas, called Aameul and Hedradiah. They strive to dominate each other, but are unable to achieve control because they are aspects of one another

The Splockee River Yetis dwelling near large enough rivers, such as the Mississippi, often herd the Emu for companionship and nourishment. Earlier this week an Emu ran astray of the herd near the east bank of the Mississippi near Granite City, Illinois. Law enforcement officials put down the beast before it caused too much damage. There was no mention if this was a Splockee related incident.

This is a great clue for Team Splockee, located in St. Louis, Missouri. A spokesperson for Team Splockee says "We will be splitting the research team in half to follow up on this immediately". Their base camp is on the banks of the River Des Peres.

The Splockee were plentiful before the french came to St. Louis. It is Team Splockee's mission to find and preserve this lost species.

Emu shot dead

LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

This footage was taken of a Dungeons and Dragons party stumbling upon a distant cousin of the Splockee known as the Bulbobo. This Bulbobo and child are brutally slain.

Players create heroic fantasy characters -- mighty warriors, stealthy rogues, or powerful wizards -- which they guide through an ongoing series of adventures, working together to defeat monsters and other challenges and growing in power, glory, and achievement. The game offers endless possibilities and a multitude of choices . . . more choices than even the most sophisticated computer game, because you can do whatever you can imagine!

What is D&D?