Recently in 02a. Paul Alamo Category
I saw such a pregnant rock n roll spectacle at Cruisin Route 66 last Friday. If your not familiar with Tobi Kai and her professional group of professional musicians you should know that they do indeed rock. Its efficient, cold and slightly sleazy rock music in the vein of AC/DC, Joan Jett and GNR. And when I said professional twice I did mean professional. Its rare you'll see guys around town this good play venues this small. Toby singing style is all growly and toughish. She prances around the stage making rock faces while burping into the microphone. They fully embrace the rock and make no apologies. In fact, they don't even cancel the show when their singer is pregnant.
Yea, it was awesome. At first I couldn't look at her when they were playing. There was this weird guilt feeling like I should take her off the stage and right into lamas class. Maybe she needed my chair to sit down? Maybe she was hungry -I hear pregnant woman love lasagna. So yea, I was distracted until I realized just how fucking rock it was to rock with baby on board. And it didn't really slow her down. She still danced around the stage (okay, waddled) with that arrogant rock thing rock people ooze. Towards the end of the first tune I was all in. We need more of these bands around St. Louis.
I wish I could say the crowd enjoyed them as much as I did. I think they were put off by the swollen gut or probably the band before them called WaterStreet. WaterStreet was 4 pubescent young men with lots of hair and guitar solos. Since a band canceled WaterStreet played 2 sets. Do you like Van Halen? Led Zepplin? Hairy young men? Apparently the crowd did as they went ape-shit over them. They sucked the life out of me. When Toby came on the crowd was confused by the short efficient songs. "Where is the excess?" they asked. "Is that girl pregnant? Weird". Yea, fuck em all. There should be a band of women that is always getting knocked up and playing shows pregnant. Their name? "The Pregnanteers". Tell me you wouldn't be a fan! And they would need your money to feed all those love/rock children.
Tobi Kai and the strays
Paul Alamo rating:
Tobi Kai and the strays: 7.9
WaterStreet: 3.4
-- Dennis DeYoung
I know. I know you love Wilco. I know you adore them with all your being. How do I know? You repeatedly and loudly expressed how "awesome" they were and how Jeff Tweedy is "the man" the entire night. And that's fine, really. I'm a Wilco fan myself and was happy to be around other fans. I'm not sure if it was necessary to say those things every few seconds. But trust me, the point was taken. You guys really love Wilco.
I also know that you know all of their lyrics. You clearly sang them all night between moments of re-confirming your love for them. And what impressed me is that you didn't let up. Not even during the quieter tunes when your off-key drunken singing was clear as a bell.
I was also impressed by how you guys had memorized every drum fill and guitar solo. I've heard a lot of guys vocalize guitar solos, but drum fills? On every song? That was impressive. I also enjoyed announcing the arrival of said guitar solos and drum fills seconds before they occurred with a "Here it comes dude!" This was followed by a note for note loud vocal rendering. Often times one of you was screaming out the guitar solo while the other was mashing your hands in the air screaming out the drum fills. Not bad.
It became clear to me during the 6th song that you guys pretty much had every tune covered. When you weren't singing along, screaming out the guitar solos or drum fills you were arguing about who loved Wilco more. It seemed like an argument none of you could win. I'll call it for you: You all love Wilco the exact same amount. You're welcome.
While I admire your dedication to Wilco I do have a couple of questions that have been perplexing me:
1. When you pay 30 dollars for a ticket, don't you want to hear the band?
2. Don't you ever get tired of NOT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP?
I appreciate your help into getting to the bottom of these questions. And while I'm tempted to say that you soured my concert experience I am willing to consider that instead you enriched it with your terrible singing, never ending arguments and douche bag instrument mimicry. Thank you.
Saturday night I decided to leave the happy memory place and submerge myself in some local original music. This is a dangerous endeavor. Original bands can sport shitty musicians and shady characters. Apparently it takes less skill to play your own music than covers. I guess thats a given right? Still it takes BALLS to play your own music. You have to admire some 24 year old narcissist who just picked up the guitar 5 months ago and thinks you'll be interested in his ruminations about a girl that dumped him for an asshole. Welcome to everybody.
Fortunately none of the bands Saturday night at Blueberry Hill sucked. Rabies vs. Rickshaws spurted (in a good way) with off-key vocals and a Radiohead cover. It was that Radiohead song we all know but it was still cool. The drummer's many layers of flesh swirled and pulsated with her drumming. It was great stuff. And it was good, hard, easy and impossible to watch. Originally I thought their name was Babies vs. Rickshaws. And that's the better name, although their original isn't so bad.
The band Chapters sported a lead singer with a great interest and skill
with ties. I swear to god he taught the crowd how to tie a double Windsor
knot between some songs. Everyone was transfixed -is that guy really
teaching us how to dress for job interviews during a rock show? After
the instruction and display of the Windsor knot my wife whispered an
audible "wow" under her breath. She was impressed with his
quick/steady hands and fashion sense. Yes, Chapters was winning over
the crowd. Their music lurks somewhere around Interpol and Joy
Division. Its grand, enunciated mid-range. As they moved through
their set they got better, louder. Lots of changes, transitions and
atmosphere (not unlike boarding a cruise ship) smoothly executed.
They really played the fuck out of their songs. No, not like Trixie
Delight played Barracuda. But it was close people...close.After the Chapters set I was approached by a large girl wanting me to join her for group sex. No, I'm not kidding. I wasn't sure why she approached me until I later realized that I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. Oh, I'm also quite the looker (I'm told I look like a young Ernest Borgnine). So initially she introduced herself and commented on how smooth my hands felt (Palmolive fuckers). Then she asked "Would you like to join me later for group sex?". This prompted me to fall back on my Catholic upbringing and inform her that I hate myself plenty enough already. I certainly don't need to join her for group sex to hate myself more. She was a good sport about it and faded back into the crowd. Or at least I think that's what happened...I was pretty drunk. Hopefully she found a better man that night to take to her sex pen.
Paul Alamo rating:
Rabies vs. Rickshaws: 6.8
Chapters: 8.0
Group Sex with fat girl: 0.7
Group Sex with fat girl if I was unmarried: 6.1
In addition to the cigars Growlers offers a huge selection of beer. Lots on tap and lots in the bottle. Check out their beer fridge behind the bar -admire the bright florescent lights jammed right next to the clear and light-green beer bottles that have likely been sitting there for months...if not years. Go ahead, order an obscure beer on tap and enjoy how flat it is. I've been going to Growler's for years and I have yet to get a non-flat exotic beer. Should I be ordering exotic beers at a bar? Why not just Bud Light? What, am I some kind of fancy lad?
And this is the confusion of Growlers. Why are
people flocking here? Like I said I've been there many times. In fact
I own one of their silver goblets -a moron reward for a jackass who
agrees to drink every over-priced bottle of skunked beer they have to
sell (took me 2 years and $800 to obtain said mug). So why have I been
there so much? Is the food good? Not really. I usually order the
buffalo chicken sandwich which tastes just like every other BCS
you've ever had, only slightly worse. The service staff is forgetful.
They have tons of beer you've never had but its all old, skunky
and flat. What about the cigars? On a busy night (and the place is
often packed on the weekend) I can usually scope out one fat guy
smoking a cigar. No, the clientele here is the same crowd from every other
drunk tank bar in St. Louis. I imagine said drunks dreaming of a
people bridge spanning Lindbergh to Helen Fitzgerald's...and maybe a
bar on the bridge!To offer an guess at its popularity I'll suggest some positives -it is one of the few bars around to offer more than just AB products. Yep, points for that. The building and atmosphere is decent and not overwhelming in its "sports barness". St. Louis has way too many sports bars that look exactly the same. So more points for at least trying to look like a place that takes its boos seriously. The location has to help being across the street from Helen Fitzgerald's. Each one is a book end for a drunk pool. And I should mention that driving in this area should be done cautiously. I love Missouri...here you have two bars famous for getting blasted and I've never seen a cop in sight. At least the lanes are nice and wide for swerving.
So if its just a drunk house then why the fancy beer? Nice cigars? Ah, the novelty! Here I am bitching about it but I drank everyone of those damn things. It was like a challenge. And when I was sauced up I didn't care how bad the $13.50 bottle of "Nun Spit" tasted. I was basically funding the place for the regular drunks. Think about it -some bars offer $12 buckets. Growler's offers several $12 beers -just one fucking drink! Then, make it a game and see which assholes get fooled by the gag.
I started out this review thinking it would be a rip on Growler's but now I realize the place is a gem and I can't wait to get back. If I drink every beer they offer again I think I get a Growler's leather jacket!
Jackhammer Jackie was her name and ham-fisted, mind-blowing hand jobs were her game. Sure, giving a hand job through bars ain't easy -unless you're in the slammer for life and get lots and lots of practice. No, I ain't jealous of the dicks that got tossed before mine. Everyone's entitled to feel some loving when their alone. Jackie just hadn't met me yet. In many ways I should be thankful she was able to perfect her art on lesser men before me.
Jackie and I met through Martha -this fat broad that did time in chino but got out after the cop who put her away was dirtified. Lining his pockets with the criminal wallpaper if you fuck my gist. Anygay, she serves up ribs over at Richard's Ribs in Kirkwood. Fucking delicious by the way. We got to talking and I got to mentioning my love of hand jobs and how hard it was to find a whore who could rub out a good one. She just laughed...and giggled. Turns out she met this girl in prison named Jackhammer Jackie who could never get into women but LOVED and I mean just LOVED jerking off men. Too good to be true?
Fuck no. After a few letters back forth to authenticate her authenticity I followed her given path to a dirty prison guard. Yea, visitors don't get the herky jerky because of that asshole glass between them and the incarcerated. So you have to meet her disguised as a prison guard. Man, I'm getting a chub just writing about it.
The first time I was standing in front her cell I have to admit, I was worried. For one fucking thing I couldn't see her. It was after lockdown, all dark and shit. And then all of a sudden WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK and I was done...almost passed out from the ecstasy of the whole ordeal. I fell over backwards and knocked my head against the prison floor. FUCK! That fucking hurt. Jackie started laughing and a love was born. She whispered through the bars..."you have a small prick but it was shaped good".
Now, I'm not a hording kind of guy and if you're like me you've been looking for a girl like Jackie. You might even be singing to yourself right now, "Wish that I had Tom Buffalo's girl...where do I find a prison bitch like that!" And brother, if you show up at Richard's Wednesday nights we'll see what we can do.
Tom Buffalo rating: 10 out of 10 hand jobs
Curious
about unknown St. Louis musicians?
Curious about homeless people?
Good, then you can see their convergence at Off Broadway Thursday
nights. Be careful though -I'm pretty
sure everyone that showed up was there to play.
Since you're probably smart enough NOT to drag your favorite folksy
instrument (guitar, mandolin, gut bucket etc) they'll pick you out of
the crowd easily. After being identified
as outsider you'll be robbed. After getting
robbed you'll probably smell like urine which is a typical symptom of a hobo
assault.
Are these people talentless? Why can't they just play a regular show? I don't know man. I guess it depends on
how you define talent. Do you enjoy
songs about getting high? Getting dumped? Atomic
coffee? I can honestly say that I
heard a song about coffee that broke my heart.
It also confused me and ran about 7 minutes too long. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. Just keep in mind that I enjoy crappy things
A LOT. Ever listen to our show? Now you get it.
My favorite
act was what looked like a 40 something MILF and her golem like 30 something
boyfriend/husband. Her folksy guitar
melodies were peppy and well written. Her
wailing, scratchy off-key vocals gave me the runs. Literally, I had to shit right in the middle
of their first song. No warning
beforehand and no strange meals for dinner...had to be her. The dude/drummer was good but made of
stone. I swear he didn't blink
once. Nor did he smile. Drumming to him must have been what early 20th century coal
mining was to Chinese immigrants. Had to be done and done well but not one
second of it was enjoyable and their lungs turned black after a few weeks.
The
next best act included 3 dudes with incredible mustaches. Their singer sounded and looked like a short
and plump Mariah Carey. Yes, the mustaches
stole the show. They played the kind of
music you'll hear in hell. Folk music
with Mariah Carey singing? What else
would they play in hell? Creed? Maybe.
Now I know what you're thinking, why was I there? Am I a homeless folk musician? In a word, yes. Difference being I have a home and I don't play folk music. Perhaps that's why the group of guys I got up to play with kind of sucked. We stumbled through a couple of tunes and then immediately bolted. I think I heard a few people clap after we played...or was it just people breathing? VERY hard to say.
Is this Thursday night open mic night worth going to? God yes. Don't be a fool. Milfs? Mariah Carey? Mustaches? Folk mus...scratch that. Ignore the fact that its mostly folk music. I highly recommend this endeavor. Off Broadway is a great club with a nice wide open room and good sound. All asshole observations deferred really because everyone was quite nice and accommodating. Even after we left a stink in the place. Quit denying yourself fun!
Local St. Louis musicians
"All a bunch of fucking pussies. That Barack fellow? I'd break him like a twig. McCain? Lets see you block me with those gimpy arms. Clinton? I'd take her out to dinner, force feed her rare steak and then impregnate her with my bear seed. In case you don't get what I'm saying I'm saying she'll explode giving birth. Now do you get it? Asshole?" All content copyright (c) 2008 Super Fun Patrol. Stealing is for sucks!
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