Mention to a small group of people that you just received a prescription for Vicodin and someone, almost always, will gasp and smile.  This same smiling person will then ask you a series of questions trying to narrow down your particular ailment.  If you play the game long enough (don’t give the answer right way, trust me) they’ll continue guessing.  These questions are about them, not about you.  During this process they retreat into their minds fantasizing about how they could get hurt and get their own prescription. What is this mystical drug?  And why do I call it “Ride the Viking”?

For those who don’t know Vicodin is basically an opiate.   Some other crap is mixed in there to keep you from enjoying it TOO much.  It’s just a little brother to morphine and herion.  I’ve had morphine before but I can’t remember it so…alas no review.  I do remember sprouting a head with wings though.

As for the “Ride the Viking” don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not sexual.  For me it perfectly describes the coma-hazy adventure I take after popping a few pills.  Riding the Viking is a little like this:

Imagine a large, friendly Viking bursting into your bedroom late at night and stuffing you into a soft goat-skin bag.  He’s not kidnapping you.  It’s just his way of making sure you’re taken care of.  You’ll be going for a ride on his “Rainbow Barge”(a modified YT-1300 light freighter).  As fortune would have it his barge sails in 0 gravity so your heart won’t have to pump as much blood which will in turn make your limbs fall asleep.  The Viking will come by every few minutes and distract you with cakes, pelts and Oscar nominations.  There’s not much to see on the barge because there’s so much fog around the ship.  The Viking will point out many things in the distance but you won’t see them.  You’ll be too busy trying to remember where you are and why it doesn’t matter.  And those Oscar nominees -Isn’t Ernest Borgnine dead?  How can he win for best actor?

Things can turn a bit for the worst.  Some of the rubbish they mix in can make your stomach upset.  The Viking will be sympathetic to this and will offer you his white, glistening water filled mouth to vomit in.  Don’t fret at the mild trama, you’ll be enjoying the haze and nothingness again soon after.  Especially after you remember to pop a few more pills.  If you’re lucky the Viking will play his favorite Metallica album.  You’ll be stunned to discover their unrelenting positiveness.

To be completely honest “Ride the Viking” is in my top 25 things to do.  The other things include stuff like sex, watching Tron, beer guzzling and ambiguously insulting people.  I guess this is a sort of an endorsement of Vicodin which you could interpret as shady.  Keep in mind, the biggest pushers are doctors.  So, I guess I’m just like a doctor.

Paul Alamo rating: 4 bananas out of 4 bananas