I was blessed with some free time a few weeks back (wife was out of town) and decided to catch up with a film I haven’t seen since I was 14 years old.  That glorious film was Hotdog which came out in 1984 and was the single most frequent cause of masturbation in my caldasac.  I mean myself and other male youths discovering their pee-pees of course.  We would watch it together.  Then watch it alone.  Then we would watch it together again -and then alone.  You get the idea.  I’ve probably seen the damn thing 100 times.  Old memories were of nice boobies, drunkenness and awesome ski footage.

Watching it again I realized hey, it really does have awesome ski footage.  That was kind of a surprise.  The ski footage is almost transcendent and spiritual with the best shots saved for the ski jumping during the final competition (hotdog wasn’t just a jerk-off flick, it was a sports gem too).  Huge exaggerated jumps into a crystal clear sky in slowmotion overlayed with a Kenny Logginish song called “Hold on” (which was poppy, trippy, awesome).  And then of course we have the brilliant chinese downhill at the end.  A nice mix of “Revenge of the Nerds” and “Better of dead”.  Basically chinese downhill is 30 men racing down a ski slope violently trying to hurt each other.  Wait, throw in a bit of Road Warrior…yes!  Now you understand.

Now for the parts I REALLY watched it for as kid?  Not so good.  The thing about jerk-off flicks from the 80s is NO MOTION.  You can show your tits and ass but don’t move like your screwing.  Its weird.  All the sex scenes are of these young hot 80s boys and girls laying around each other naked -and thats it.  Its like they don’t know how to pork.  No wonder I struggled during my first…oh forget it.

Here are some observations I made while watching the film.  I recommend printing these out if you ever watch it so you can play along.  THERE IS JUST SO MUCH JOY to be had from HotDog the movie:

- Love starts at the top of the hill

- Sunny is a road slut and she likes doing “speed”

- Harkin wears PJs

- The Fantasy Inn is a great place to stay.  But watch that hot tub, its confusing

- The best way to anger Germans is to call them Nazis.  But you knew that

- Dan O’Callahan used to be the best but now he’s a werewolf

- In the 80s you could force women into wet t-shirt contests

- Harkin dials up some nice fuck guitar with “Dreams on the wind”

- Rudy’s German squad clearly influenced the nihalists from “The Big Lebowski”

- Japanese guys katate chop peanuts when their hungry

- Best pick up line ever by Squirrel, “I guess a fuck is out of the question?”

- Best drink ever, “The leg spreader”.  Yes, I tried to make this drink

- Nazis drink Becks

- Rudy’s description of making it with Sunny, “I had Sunny side up, Sunny side down and Sunny side all zee way around”

- Ski Ballet?  They have that?

- Slyvia gives you stuff to make it with her

- The best way to play broomball is after smoking pot.  Broomball?

- The Irish express hospitality by breaking your equipment

- Its harder than it seems to make a BJ face.  Acting is tough

- Credibility as a ski movie takes a hit when a black guy is spotted on the slopes