A Kurdish Mall. Nasdak is what you get when you walk around all day in a desert.

Malls. They’ve been around for a long time. They are the place where teens wander around to taste independence for the first time or take their first dates. Stoners go there to buy chocolate covered pretzels and hit on the teens that look legal. Old guys stare at the teens and hold their wives’ purses. Kids are usually running around unattended by parents too busy checking out Sharper Image. Malls are an American institution. And the place we go to hide during the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

People always know there are at least three kinds of malls within 100 mi of their neighborhood. Mall quality is relative to social network quality, which we’ll demonstrate through the following list of criteria and comparison. What you see here listed about malls, can be directly compared to Facebook, MySpace and others.

The Good Mall

• Features designer stores and some boutiques
• Has 3-4 keystone stores that people aren’t ashamed to shop in (JC Penney, Macy’s, the Gap, and so on)
• Has 1-2 high end stores from the east or west coast (Saks, H&M, Banana Republic)
• Has a movie theater people have not been caught beating off in
• Features a large food court of more or less edible wares
• Is the newest mall relative to other malls in the area
• Situated near an upper middle-upper class neighborhood or two
• Can walk through the parking lot during the nighttime
• Nearly every suite is occupied with few vacancies, and no long-term vacancies

The Okay Mall

• Older than the good mall
• Used to be the good mall
• Still has most of its keystone stores
• May have 1 of the high end stores left
• No more boutiques as they moved to the good mall
• The movie theater has had at least one known sex offense committed in it, usually low grade (a handy in the back row or something)
• Food court has devolved to contain little more than a Sbarro’s, A&W, McDonald’s and Generic Chinese Joint
• Situated near the neighborhood that used to be upper middle class, but is just middle class. Some of the neighborhoods have become a little….neglected
• Can walk through the parking lot at night if carrying mace and with at least 2 other people, and the section you’re parked in is lit
• A few long-term vacancies, with “coming soon” signs for stores that never seem to open

The Bad/Ghetto Mall

• The oldest mall not yet demolished or converted into an office park
• Used to have the designer and high stores 20 years ago; most moved or went out of business in the mid-80s
• Keystone stores are ones people wonder why are still open (Sears, Famous Barr)
• The movie theater either doesn’t exist, is a “dollar show” or has been shut down due to the “incident” that sent that drunken, mid-30s couple to jail
• The food court is about the quality of an Army mess hall
• Situated in the “bad” neighborhood and has probably been the site of a felony or two
• Several vacancies are noticeable, perhaps even whole corridors aren’t even lit anymore
• Large portion of stores selling knock-off perfume, samurai swords, NASCAR merchandise, or all three

The same can be said for social network sites. Your Facebooks, MySpaces and the like.

The Good Mall = Twitter

• Features the most (legitimate) celebrity pages = high end stores and boutiques
• Users post live, relevant links to important events (i.e. Iran protests, oil spill, earthquakes, etc) that actually lead where they claim = keystone stores
• Used by actual, notable politicians and public figures = in the rich neighborhood
• Has a low proportion of porn compared to publicly acceptable use = undefiled theater

The Okay Mall = Facebook

• Still has some celebrities, but has a lot more “tributes” and pages ripped from Wikipedia = dwindling boutiques and high end stores
• Changes its privacy settings and jiggles with its user agreements a lot = bad parking lot security
• More and more inane “apps” that waste your time and steal your personal info= growing number of dragon samurai sword stores
• If you haven’t found porn on Facebook yet, you’re just not trying = someone got caught giving a bj in the theater while on shrooms

The Ghetto Mall = MySpace

• Most of its “celebrity” pages are run by those celebrities’ lowest paid assistants or are outright fakes = the good stores are long gone
• Spammers have thousands of profiles and bug you at every turn = the tie-dyed Jeff Gordon t-shirt and bo staff stores have taken over
• Sole remaining legit profiles are neglected and unused = Sears? Fucking Sears? How are they still in business?!
• Most MySpace videos have been pulled down or are for movies you don’t care about = Yeah, that theater was shut down. No one will say why. Something to do with Raisinets going where they’re not supposed to.