Super Fun Patrol Discovers Secret Foes Blacklist

Friday, April 30th – Super Fun Patrol, in the midst of searching for our usual, extensive cataloging and downloads of furry hentai, somehow came across a confidential document intended for the eyes of Fox News broadcasters, producers and directors only. Signed by Fox News head Roger Ailes, it appears to be the actual, detailed list of every person and entity deemed an “enemy” by the network. Fox News has a long history of distorting news into a bizarre, farcical vision of which George Orwell couldn’t dream up in his worst absinthe-fueled acid trip. Criticized as the publicity arm of the Republican Party, Fox regularly attacks anyone it deems as liberals, progressives, leftists, fascists, communists and socialists – usually blending all the terms together in an inflammatory declaration which makes no actual sense, but its surrealism is fascinating to the functionally illiterate and cognitively dissonant.

According to the Internet, this is "a pundit"

Though typical Fox targets include Democratic politicians, writers, pundits, scientists, professors, comedians, actors, and occasionally small children, there exists a more uniform enemies list by which Fox News production crews and staff are supposed to craft carefully edited videos excised of context and nearly all facts in order to portray such targets negatively. This enemies list was of course stored on a hard drive somewhere in Fox News HQ, but given the level of proclivity right wing writers are known to have regarding computer security, whoever stored this document used the password “grandma,” which was defeated in .009 seconds by a password hacking app, probably owned by someone in Vietnam. The list was then released on the internet and is making the rounds of Twitter, news aggregators and torrent sites.

Contained below is the actual enemies list thought to belong to Fox News, composed or directed by Roger Ailes, which was leaked onto the internet. It provides names and comments describing why they are enemies of Fox News:

1. Mr. Rogers – for making children feel special about themselves; damn spoiled, entitled kids! They’re supposed to work and prove they deserve to live (Unless they’re unborn of course! Life at conception!)!

2. Elmo – for having red fur and always singing about togetherness and sharing; quite the Red mascot if there ever was one, right?

3. Buddha – fat = living off the government teat; bald = ugly and looks unseemly and poor; preaches about peace = SOCIALISM!

4. Trees – for blocking Mr. Ailes’ shots on the course. Chainsaws should be sold alongside golf clubs.

5. Green energy companies – everyone knows that solar and wind are a bunch of BS, and we are just wasting our time. Drill, baby, drill!

6. Big Bird – scared Bill O’Reilly as a young man. Birds shouldn’t be so tall!

7. The Pope – Catholics aren’t real Christians anyway! Suggest replacing the Pope with Billy Graham, and remodeling St. Peters into a Creationism Museum.

8. Credit unions – Ha! Yeah let’s try to make capitalism some kind of fair, level exchange where the consumer has as much to gain as the businessman! Blasphemy!

9. Universalist Unitarians – more fake Christians! Time to start putting pitch on our stakes for some ol’ fashioned burnings!

10. The Tea Party – save this one for post-2012, when it’s time to enact more purges. Those dupes won’t be useful to us after that election.

11. Big tent conservatives – time for a RINO hunt!

12. Libertarians – libertarian, liberal, it’s all just lib to us!

13. Chipmunks – Mrs. Palin is real upset that Chip and Dale aren’t real, and so she couldn’t shoot them.

14. Salvation Army bell ringers – wanting handouts for poor people who refuse to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

15. God – that is, as he’s depicted in all the other versions of the Bible, not the upcoming Fox News Fair and Balanced Bible for 2011. That other God is way to wishy-washy and not smiting enough.