The Shirt in Question

You know, I’d read about the hype on the internet this shirt was causing, and I thought there was absolutely no way this was legitimate. I mean we’ve seen all the internet memes about keyboard cats and such garbage, but something about this shirt and the raves it was getting made me deathly curious. As a result I submitted the order, and although it arrived late (No doubt due to the HUGE demand being made for the product!) I was just as excited as I’m sure every other buyer of this product was, and immediately took it out of its Priority Mail packaging.

Let me tell you something – having seen this shirt with my own eyes and tried it on for the first time, I vehemently declare all previous reviews about the product to be utter garbage. They are garbage because every single person so far has completely failed to convey into words the pure, concentrated amounts of awesome this shirt truly is. This is a shirt so compacted with stunning amounts of power that it is in fact a generator of dark matter. You will warp the fabric of space and time itself by wearing this clothing. And sexual prowess – you want to talk about base animal magnetism?! You want to talk about commanding the opposite sex like your personal pride of lionesses? This is the shirt you’ve been waiting for all your life. I have had so much sex since getting this shirt only HOURS ago in the mail, that I am now the defendant in 43 paternity suits. My wang has become spongy, purplish and bruised, and it may have PTSD from being inside so much vagina in such a short period of time. I’d go to a therapist, but who can I visit who won’t try to mate with me like the majestic big cats of the Serengeti? If anything I’ve been bombarded with too much too soon.

This is a product that actually suffers one defect – it’s too effective! I mean, they could have at least left one wolf off and stuck with a pair, but THREE?! WHAT WERE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?! It’s a trifecta of unstoppable coolness. I’m just glad I don’t frequent the monster truck circuit or else I might have been punched out Grave Digger and fathered an army with the entire female population of Plattsmouth, NE.

In conclusion be careful about what you read here about this shirt. People have tried to exalt it properly, and I think I have failed just as they have, sadly. If anything keep in mind that you will probably be charged with the crime of extreme sexiness if you wear this shirt, and you might end up with several STDs and so many children you’ll have to sell them all for medical experiments. Keep a lot of condoms and lube – you can never have enough lube. Trust me on this one.

—So, I doubt this review gets approved, and I realize it’s been done on Amazon 145,321 times. Shit I just shot down my own justification for even writing this fucking thing. Fuck me.