Gallows Pole

Great Moments in Transhumanity: Gunlegs

Great Moments in Transhumanity: Gunlegs

Amputees have better and better options for not just living a normal life, but a near superhuman one, thanks to great advances in carbon fiber prosthetic limbs. Runners with these limbs regularly trump normal speedsters, and some amputees have actually returned to active duty military service after losing legs and arms in Iraq and Afghanistan. [...]

Revealed: Fox News Enemies List

Revealed: Fox News Enemies List

Super Fun Patrol Discovers Secret Foes Blacklist Friday, April 30th – Super Fun Patrol, in the midst of searching for our usual, extensive cataloging and downloads of furry hentai, somehow came across a confidential document intended for the eyes of Fox News broadcasters, producers and directors only. Signed by Fox News head Roger Ailes, it [...]

All Hail Mexicoke

All Hail Mexicoke

Coke in the United States Made with high-fructose corn syrup, packaged in plastic and aluminum. Why? Because American subsidizes corn agriculture and puts high tariffs on sugar. Coke everywhere else (Europe, Asia, Africa) Made with sugar, comes in slimmer bottles and cans with pull-off tabs Why? No corn subsidies, lower sugar taxes and in some [...]

Man Distrusts Facebook with Private, but Worthless Information

Todd Spurlock of Wabasha, MN warned his Facebook friends today about new privacy and terms of use agreements impacting the privacy of information posted on Facebook. “GO TO YOUR PRIVACY SETTINGS, CLICK “WEBPAGES” AND SELECT ‘NONE!” read his status update to his 324 friends on the popular, social networking site. “I just don’t want to [...]

Large Hadron Collider: the Rectification of the Vuldroni All Over Again?

Large Hadron Collider: the Rectification of the Vuldroni All Over Again?

On the quest to discover the Higgs-Boson aka God Particle, CERN constructed a super high speed particle collider in expertly-neutral Switzerland. Many worries abound about what could be wreaked upon us in this quest to discover a particle which could explain dark matter and change the field of physics, but left unexamined is what else [...]

Hollywood’s True Renaissance Man: Patrick Swayze 1952-2009

Hollywood's True Renaissance Man: Patrick Swayze 1952-2009

Some know Patrick Swayze as the prancing pretty-boy from Dirty Dancing, or as the specter that romanced Demi Moore from the grave in Ghost. To dismiss Patrick Swayze as a fluke, flop or chick flick fodder would be to truly miss the importance of the greatness of, “The Swaze.” First let’s look at those two [...]

Tips for A Happy Household

Tips for A Happy Household

Taken from, “Miss Manner’s School of Charm, 12th Edition,” circa 1952. How to keep a happy husband. Remember your husband is the head of the household and spends everyday bringing home the bread for a prosperous, American family. As the wife you play a vital role in ensuring there is a warm home there every [...]

Gangster Metal Band Struggles to Find Cult Following

Gangster Metal Band Struggles to Find Cult Following

Fred “Mugsy” Kevoyan, lead singer for gangster metal band Beer Barons, laments that perhaps there are limits to metal’s continuing division and focus on nostalgic eras. Unlike other folk metal bands that include musical motifs and lyrical odes to the past, such as pirate metal band Alestorm or viking metal band Ensefirum, Beer Barons focus [...]

How to Handle Life the Dr. Peter Venkman Way

How to Handle Life the Dr. Peter Venkman Way

1. Work. First it’s a place to get tail. Set up a bogus experiment testing for ESP, invite a hot college chick to participate, and then rig the experiment to cause her to think she’s psychic. The lesson here is that college girls are very young, nubile, smooth-skinned and best of all, naive. They are [...]

The Rules of Metal

The Rules of Metal

Heavy Metal. It’s an old genre with numerous subgenres, niches and codes of brotherhood and esprit de corps that to the uninitiated, it looks both dangerous and very stupid. If someone out there understands metal and considers himself metal, then congratulations – you are both a dork and somewhat of an asshole. Today you get [...]

SFP Reviews the 3 Wolf Moon Shirt

SFP Reviews the 3 Wolf Moon Shirt

You know, I’d read about the hype on the internet this shirt was causing, and I thought there was absolutely no way this was legitimate. I mean we’ve seen all the internet memes about keyboard cats and such garbage, but something about this shirt and the raves it was getting made me deathly curious. As [...]

Die With Your Boots On

You should die doing what you love. That’s why I’m going to die face down in a brothel wearing a chicken suit.

If Things Hadn’t Sucked: Twilight

Wow. What a big, giant ball of suck the Twilight series is. Talk about taking everything that’s awesome about vampire stories and completely, utterly sucking that out (no puns meant here, so can it) and replacing it with teenage romance pap and dribble. This, my friends, is what happens when a Mormon woman enacts her [...]

Kansas, You Sparkle Like A Diamond

…If a diamond shone like dirt. Kansas holds a special place in my heart as a location I never want to visit again, and would never move to, even under pain of death. Kansas is the worst state in the Union. Period. I live in fucking NEBRASKA, and I wouldn’t go to Kansas to get [...]

This Week in Hollyweird

The King is Dead – Michael Jackson, singer, dancer and kiddie toucher, croaks at 50. Annie isn’t okay. Hi-nooooooo!!! – Ed McMahon, sidekick, pitchman, gameshow host and drunk, dies at 86. Cash4Gold is said to be the executor of the estate. Charlie loses an Angel – Farrah Fawcett, actress, model, body painter and nutball, dies [...]